


Some Things Just Make Sense

by SmilesRawesome



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Adults, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Childhood, Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, Everybody is gay, Gay Parents, Gen, Give the princesses personalities or perish, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Me: comes out as enby and watches bnt for the 1st around the same time, Non-binary character, Slice of Life, Teenagers, fuck captain logan me and my homies hate captain logan, ive been hyper focusing on this for weeks idk what I’ll do now lmao, me: hm Mayhaps it is projection hours, my magnum fucking opus, non binary ted, okay real tags let’s go, queer bill, this is it baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:22:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 35,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27455668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmilesRawesome/pseuds/SmilesRawesome
Summary: Ted’s life, told through snapshots of ages, becoming themself, and finding their family.Maybe making some music along the way.
Relationships: Billie Logan & Thea Preston, Deacon Logan & Ted "Theodore" Logan, Elizabeth & Joanna & Ted "Theodore" Logan & Bill S. Preston Esq., Kelly & Ted “Theodore” Logan, Rufus & Ted “Theodore” Logan, Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq.
Comments: 17
Kudos: 42





	1. Childhood

**Author's Note:**

> My GOD, I have spent WEEKS on this monster of a fic, it’s the longest thing I’ve ever fucking written. I love this excellent dude so much, and I hope you like the way I’ve written Ted’s story here :)

Teddy is eight and hates her name. 

  
  


She tries to get people to call her Teddy, rather than  _ Dora, _ because that leaves a sour taste in her mouth and a twisting feeling in her stomach. Her mother actively tries, but she’s the only one. Her teachers switch to her full name of Theadora, which is… better than  _ Dora. _ Her dad thinks changing her name is a stupid idea, they gave her a name for a reason, he’s going to use it. 

  
  


The only one who gets it right all the time, everytime, is her best friend in the whole world, Bill. He always calls her Teddy, never once slips up. 

“It’s not hard.” Bill says once on the playground, his brows furrowed as he listens to Teddy complain about her dad again. “I think your dad is just mean.” 

“Can parents be mean? They’re like… parents.” Teddy ponders, tilting her head to the side. 

“I think so. I mean, your dad  _ is _ being mean.” Bill reasons. 

  
  


Teddy nods, supposing her friend is right. 

“That’s why you’re the smart one, Bill.” She laughs, making him laugh too. 

  
  


~~~ 

  
  


Teddy is nine when her mother dies. 

  
  


She’s dropped at Bill’s house, baby brother (he’s five, but she thinks he’ll always be her baby brother) in her arms as Dad rushes Mum to the hospital. Deacon is taken by Bill’s mum before she rushes to her best friend’s room, shaking as tears of fear and worry run down her face. Bill abandons his comic books and hugs her, and she clings to him, the only lifeline she has right now. 

  
  


When she runs out of tears, Bill does his best to distract her, reading her comics, drawing her favourite things. It’s the first time he calls her  _ Ted, _ trying to make her laugh. Ted’s a boys name, isn’t it silly to call her that? It all works a little, even getting small giggles every time Bill says  _ Ted. _ But Bill also seems to realise when to stop, when she’s so exhausted from worry all she wants to do is lie down, but still worried enough that she can’t fall asleep. 

  
  


He drags her to his bed and tucks them both under his blankets, and cuddles her. Whispers stories to her until the next thing she knows she’s being woken up, her dad downstairs to tell her the worst news of her life. 

  
  


Her dad doesn’t stop her when she just runs back upstairs to Bill. 

  
  


~~~

  
  


Teddy is eleven when she realises the reason she hates looking in the mirror.

  
  


Her hair. It’s down to her butt, because her dad never lets her cut it except to take care of dead ends. She fiddles with it until it looks like she has short hair, and she looks so different. She doesn’t look like a stranger, she looks like… like  _ Ted. _

  
  


It’s still only Bill that calls her that, pretty much everywhere except in front of her dad. Sometimes she thinks she likes it even more than Teddy, sometimes in the dark of the night she even admits that to herself. She knows if she starts to think of herself as  _ Ted _ instead of Teddy that she’ll slip up in front of her dad, and that he would kill her. 

  
  


She undoes what she did to her hair and let’s it hang. 

  
  


She’s staring at herself in Bill’s bathroom three weeks later and she doesn’t know the person in the mirror. Her dad had let her stay the night at Bill’s house on the condition she go to the policeman’s ball with him. The dress against her skin makes her uncomfortable and itchy, her hair hangs around her and feels like it weighs a million pounds. She’s spent all night being paraded around as  _ the captain’s little girl, oh look how cute you are, look how beautiful you are, such a pretty young lady, I bet all the boys are after you, what a sweet little thing… _

  
  


She throws up in the toilet, her hands shaking as panic surges through her. There’s a knock at the door, a familiar pattern she’s known for years. 

“Ted, you okay?” Bill asks, worry in his voice. She can’t get words out, all she can do is whine, and then sob, unable to move because she still feels like throwing up. 

“I’m coming in, okay? You can hit me if you want me to get out, but I’m checking on you right now.” 

  
  


The door opens, and then there’s gentle hands moving that stupid hair out of her face. Bill is quiet, grabbing a washcloth and wiping her hair, then kneeling down and wiping her face, giving her a small smile when she dares to meet his eyes. 

“You’ll be okay, Ted. Just a bit sick, yeah? Too much fancy food at that ball? I don’t blame you.” Bill says, trying for comfort, but falling short for once. Teddy shakes her head, sniffling, wrapping her shaking arms around her stomach. 

“Somethings wrong with me.” She chokes out, more tears spilling over. Bill wraps an arm around her, frowning. 

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Teddy.” He says firmly, but the name makes her flinch and pull away, scrambling to stand against the wall even with all her limbs shaking. 

  
  


“There has to be!” She yells, clutching her head in both hands. “There has to be, Bill! My own name makes me feel  _ wrong,  _ and these stupid dresses make me feel itchy and my- my hair! My stupid fucking hair!” It’s the first time either of them have sworn for real, rather than just whispering the newly discovered words together. She feels like it’s a good time to use them. “My stupid fucking hair makes me  _ sick! _ People keep telling me how  _ pretty _ I am and I hate it! I hate it! I look in the mirror and- and- and-“ 

  
  


She glances over at the mirror as she says it, one hand moving to cover her mouth as she sobs again, the other lowering to wrap around her stomach.

“I- I don’t even know who that is.” She whispers, gesturing at her reflection helplessly. Bill’s eyes flicker between her and her reflection, before finally landing on her for the last time. 

“So let’s change it.” He says, pushing himself up from the floor and wrapping his hands around her arm. 

“H- huh?” She stutters, pulling her eyes away from the stranger in the mirror to look at her best friend. Bill smiles at her, tugging softly, and she lets him lead her. 

  
  


“We’ll change it.” He says, taking them to his room. He unzips the back of her dress, because she can never reach them herself, then goes over to his drawers. He pulls out a pair of shorts and a Metallica shirt and chucks them at her, before turning around so she could change. She does, feeling instantly better, making a small noise so her friend knows he can turn back around. He grins at her, grabbing a hair tie from his nightstand (that he keeps around just for her) then guides her so she’s sitting on the floor and he’s on the bed above her. 

  
  


He pulls the hair back into a messy ponytail and then braids it. It takes a while, with her hair being so long, but it’s calming to just sit there and breathe while Bill does her hair and hums Queen. He drops the plait when he’s done, leaning over to smile down at her. 

“Is it better with the braid?” He asks, and it’s a genuine question. Teddy knows if she says no he’ll sit and change her hair until she’s happy. She gets up, moves the plait over the top of her shoulder and checks the mirror over Bill’s dresser. 

  
  


It  _ is _ better when it’s tied up. She always has it in either a ponytail or a bun, until she makes it to either her own room or Bill’s and she takes the hair ties out with a groan of satisfaction, because keeping all that hair up  _ hurts. _ But she thinks back to three weeks ago, where she shoved her hair down her shirt and pretended it was short, and she  _ wants. _ It’s all she wants. She wants to look in the mirror and see herself, she wants to not get headaches everyday because her hair weighs a million pounds, she wants  _ just a little bit of control in her nightmare life, damnit! _

  
  


Angry and determined, she grabs the scissors from Bill’s dresser and cuts off her ponytail. The plait falls to the floor with a soft thud, and she just stares at it for a few moments. Bill is also silent, mouth agape as he stares at the hair on the floor. She looks back up into the mirror, her hair uneven and lopsided, ending near her ears. She sees  _ Ted. _ It’s the best thing she’s ever seen in her life. 

  
  


She turns back to Bill, grinning so hard her cheeks hurt and tears spilling over again. 

“My dad is gonna kill me.” She whispers, but she’s giddy. And then she’s laughing, and crying at the same time, and she drops the scissors and Bill is hugging her tightly and she clings back like she always does except this time it’s  _ good. _

  
  


When she calms down, Bill picks up the scissors and does his best to make her hair even. It’s not perfect, but she doesn’t want it to be. It not being perfect is what makes it perfect. They blast one of Bill’s dads Van Halen CD’s, and then Queen, jumping and singing around the room. 

  
  


_ Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had _

_ I've been with you such a long time _

_ You're my sunshine and I want you to know _

_ That my feelings are true _

_ I really love you _

_ Oh, you're my best friend _

  
  


For the first time in her whole life, Teddy feels free. 

  
  


~~~ 

  
  


Teddy is thirteen when she gets her first phone. 

  
  


Technically it’s her dad's old phone, but he wiped all his own stuff and gave it to her in an unprecedented act of fatherliness. 

“You’re getting older, young ladies can be targets. I just want you to be safe.” 

  
  


She thinks her biggest threat is her own dad, but she gets it. The world is whack. 

  
  


It’s got an ugly protective case on it, but she’s clumsy so she leaves it. Gets Bill to put a drawing on it, and fills the odd spaces with stickers. She signs up for all the things the kids at school have. Facebook, Instagram, Vine. She likes Instagram the most. She can find funny memes, people who like comics and comic book movies, people who like classic rock, and all her other favourite things. 

  
  


She sees a lot of screenshots from another site called tumblr, so she gets one of those as well. People really like comics and music here, though most of them seem to like modern music more. Which is fair, not everyone can borrow classic rock CD’s from their dads. The comics people here number in the thousands so it seems, and she goes on a follow spree because, why not? 

  
  


She finds a blog about SpiderMan, and she loves SpiderMan, but she doesn’t understand the username. She follows them anyway, and decides to send an ask (which is a handy feature on this site, she likes being able to ask questions). 

  
  


wyld.teddys asked: hi! What does your username mean? :)

transpeterparker: it means I think Peter Parker is trans ✌️

  
  


Well. That didn’t answer her question. 

  
  


wyld.teddys asked: so what does trans mean? 

transpeterparker: ??? Is this a troll??? Fuck off

  
  


She hasn’t been on the internet for long but she knows what a troll is. 

  
  


wyld.teddys asked: no, sorry if I seemed rude? I got my first phone two weeks ago and I don’t know what trans is 

transpeterparker: OH SHIT I’m so sorry!! Look, I’m just a stranger on the internet, so I don’t know if I could fully explain this to you, but I will DM you with some links and recommend some LGBT blogs for you!! 

  
  


They do that, and they’re kind and encouraging, and so are the people she messages on the LGBT blogs. She finds out what those letters stand for, along with so much more. She had known, vaguely, that gay people existed, but the reality was so much  _ better _ than that. For the first time in her life she reads, really reads, more than just skimming a book for class or a comic book, she researches. She hoards the knowledge in her brain and her heart, feeling like she really understands and  _ knows _ something. It’s liberating. 

  
  


With this exciting knowledge comes the heartbreaking knowledge that her dad is a wild raging homophobe. She decides not to think about it. 

  
  


She finds out Elton John, one of her favourite classic rock stars, is gay. The thought that rock stars can be gay excites her, because  _ she  _ wants to be a rock star! She goes on a bit of an Elton binge, listening to the lyrics in a way she hadn’t before. 

  
  


_ If I was a sculptor, but then again, no  _

_ Or a man who makes potions in a travelin' show  _

_ Oh, I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do  _

_ My gift is my song and this one's for you _

  
  


She starts noticing things she hadn’t before. She’d seen Ms Jackson’s rainbow heart pin before, but now she  _ sees _ it, and Ms Jackson sends her a smile when she notices her perk up at the sight. The GSA kids, she knows what they are now. She starts talking to them, when in the past it had just been her and Bill against the world. The world didn’t feel quite so large and scary anymore. 

  
  


She discovers they/them pronouns. 

  
  


The thought keeps her up for weeks, pressing in on her chest and making her panic. She’s reminded of a few years ago, the panic she felt before cutting her hair off. She pushes herself off her bed and stares at herself in the mirror. 

“They.” They whisper to the darkness, and it’s the same relief from back then, but tenfold. Then the panic is back, because they haven’t been sharing their knowledge with the most important person, mostly out of fear, and a little because Bill’s been trying to deal with his mum leaving. Whatever reason, the end result is the same; they don’t know how he feels. 

  
  


They do the only sensible thing, and sneak out the window to run the two blocks to Bill’s house. They throw rocks at Bill’s window, because Bill still doesn’t have a phone to text him, and Bill pokes his head out while rubbing sleep out of his eye. He smiles when he sees them, and Ted climbs up the house to slip through the window the way they have a million times before. 

  
  


“Hey dude, what’s up?” Bill asks, as if they had met up for school, and not had a panicked best friend sneak over. Ted takes a moment to breathe, trying to stop the shaking in their arms. 

“Dude, what… what if I wasn’t a girl?” They asked, voice thin. Bill frowns, pondering the question seriously. 

“So, like a dude?” He asks, and they shake their head. 

“Like, neither. Not a boy or a girl, a… a they.” Ted says, their breathing picking up. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe Bill wouldn’t understand, then where would they be? 

  
  


Their swirling thoughts are cut off when Bill pulls them into a hug. Ted hugs them back automatically, blinking hard as tears fill their eyes. 

“Dude, it’s okay.” Bill whispers, grounding Ted in the moment. “You’re totally panicking, but it’s just me. I’ve always got your back.” He reassures. When Ted’s calm enough, they pull back, wiping the tears off their face. 

“Thanks, dude.” 

“Anytime, dude.” Bill smiles, taking their arm and leading them to his bed. “Now tell me what you mean by “they”. I’m totally here for you, but I don’t really know what that means.” 

  
  


So Ted sits on Bill’s bed and they tell him. They tell him everything they had found out over the last two months. They show him the articles and the blog posts and some of the messages from friends they had made. They tell him what all the different letters stand for and why they’re all important and which things that might sound inclusive are actually harmful. They tell him about pronouns and being non binary and how it just feels so right. They tell him about being apart from the binary rather than in the middle or a third gender, but that those aren’t wrong either. Bill sits and he listens and he reads what Ted shows him, asking the occasional clarifying question, but otherwise just letting Ted talk. 

  
  


It’s early when Ted finishes, early enough that their dad would be waking in less than an hour, and they would have to run back home soon to avoid getting caught. Bill hugs them before they climb out the window, promising to talk more once they’re in school together. 

  
  


Ted tells Ms Jackson, and the other GSA kids, who officially invite both them and Bill into the club. It’s nice to have more than just Bill around- not that they would trade Bill for anything- but they now get the appeal of having a group of friends. Especially ones who just  _ get it. _ Ones who are also scared of telling their parents and who had felt so alone before figuring it out. 

  
  


They’re at the skatepark about a week later, sipping on slushies and taking turns on their skateboard when Bill blushes and confesses that he’d thought Ted was going to tell him they were a lesbian that night, rather than non binary. Ted laughs so hard they fall off the board. Bill’s putting bandaids on their scrapes when Ted says they haven’t really thought about people like that yet, and Bill nods, admitting the same. 

  
  


Bill lands a trick on the board and they air guitar in excitement, and thus a new tradition is born. 

  
  


~~~ 

  
  


Ted is fifteen when they go on a most excellent adventure. 

  
  


They meet the princesses, and they see the fear in them both from the thought of having to marry those gross old dudes. So they get them out of there. Ted thought they would have to leave them behind in medieval England, but Rufus brings them back to join the band. Ted’s so happy they spin Elizabeth around as they hug her, laughing together. They look over at Bill and Joanna as they put her down, and there’s an unidentified pain in their chest as they watch the two of them kiss. They still grin at Bill when they part, because they aren’t going to make their best friend upset when he just scored with a girl. 

  
  


Ted also hugs Rufus, who hadn’t even needed to be told their pronouns, nor needed to be corrected once. They had met a whole room of future dudes who just knew and accepted them for who they are. The knowledge that they themselves will have a hand in bringing that universal acceptance into the world… it feels good. 

  
  


Rufus has to go back to the future, and Ted… Ted doesn’t want him to go. They’ve known him less than a day, but they’re fifteen and Rufus has been a better dad in twenty four hours than their own dad has been their whole life. They don’t say that, because that would be weird, but Rufus seems to understand anyway. He takes their phone and fiddles with it for a moment. 

“You can’t use it often, because it will mess with the time space continuum, but if you ever need me, shoot me a text, alright dude?” He smiles, a warm comforting hand on their shoulder. Ted nods, and the hand squeezes. He’s about to leave when Ted captures him in one last hug, which is readily returned. “You’re gonna be amazing, Ted.” Rufus says, and then he’s gone, and Ted doesn’t really know what to do. 

  
  


They walk the girls to their new apartment, introducing them to slushies on the way, and tells them what they can about the present slash future. The girls are receptive, eagerly listening and asking questions. When they don’t know the answer, they google it, and the three of them learn together. They introduce them to the concept of LGBT+ people, explaining they are part of that community. The girls are surprisingly understanding, more than some people of modern times. 

  
  


When the girls get phones, Liz is constantly texting them. They don’t mind, in fact, it’s great! Bill only really wants to talk about Joanna at the moment, in the romantical way. Ted loves Jo too, but not like that, and seeing Bill love someone else hurts in a way Ted isn’t ready to deal with. So they text Liz back. They almost become as close as Bill and Ted, though Ted doesn’t think anything could be quite as strong as that bond. Ted introduces her to some of the girls from the GSA, and they go out together while Bill takes Jo on dates. 

  
  


Ted starts branching out their music taste. They still think classic rock is great, but if the band is going to unite the world through song, they should probably familiarise themself with all types of music to find the best sounds. Bill teases them when they discover they like Taylor Swift, but after a few choice selections also admits the woman is a master lyricist. Abbi from GSA tells them both all about how Ms Swift was mistreated by the media simply because she was a popular female artist, which is totally bogus, and Abbi laughs at their old fashioned slang. 

  
  


They find queer artists who make music about queer experiences, and Ted falls in love with music all over again. The way they listen to and appreciate music changes. Ted is showing Deacon some of their favourites, and they’re both dancing around the living room. Ted hasn’t ever felt this close to their brother before, and Deacon admits to actually liking hanging out with them, correct pronouns and everything! It all comes crashing down when their dad comes home early one day and can hear the music they’re listening to together. Captain Logan grounds Ted for exposing Deacon to  _ that stupid fag shit, I won’t have it in my house, Dora! _

  
  


Deacon hides away from them again, and Ted escapes to Bill and the girls. 

  
  


Liz and Abbi start dating, Bill and Jo keep dating. Ted pretends they aren’t in love with Bill. They start a YouTube channel for the band, and with the feedback they get, they actually start improving. The band releases a mixture of original songs and covers from all different genres, and they’re about as popular as a high school band can get. Ted isn’t worried about it though, they have their whole future to write The Song and become famous. It’s okay if it takes a bit of time. 

  
  


~~~ 

  
  


Ted is sixteen when their dad hits them for the first time. 

  
  


And the next few times after that. 

  
  


And so often afterwards that Ted loses count of how many times it happens. 

  
  


They don’t tell anyone. They become a master of hiding bruises under makeup. Sickenly thankful to the father that was beating them for buying them the makeup that was making them dysphoric. No one seems to notice. The covers they choose to sing get angrier or sadder depending on how they feel about it at the time, but the emotions get ramped up to a hundred no matter which they choose. No one seems to notice. 

  
  


They think about it, sometimes. Telling Bill, maybe the girls, maybe Ms Jackson. They know that they would just get taken away from their dad, separated from Deacon, separated from Bill, and Rufus went to all that trouble to keep them together the first time. So they say nothing. No one seems to notice. 

  
  


They’re defending themselves at dinner again. It all started when Ted tried getting their connection with Deacon back, so they stood up for themselves more. Corrected their father every time they got their name or pronouns wrong, corrected the total bullshit he would say about the community. Tried to show that “exposing” Deacon to the community wouldn’t “magically turn him gay”, to which they got hit for their efforts. But the way the adrenaline felt when they stood up for themselves felt good. Their name was Ted, they used they/them pronouns. That wasn’t going to change, and their father wouldn’t be able to beat it out of them either. Ted’s head is slammed into the table, and their nose hurts more than any of the occasions previously. 

  
  


They slip out the window once they’re sent to their room, because they’re pretty sure their nose is broken. Normally they would go to Bill, but they don’t want Bill to know about this. They don’t want anyone to know about this. They feel strong in the moment when it happens, but surely their inability to deal with it must be a weakness. They head to an empty park, struggling to breathe, and quietly wishing they could have a parent that loved them. 

  
  


No one ever seems to notice, and they don’t want to tell anyone, so they’re stuck. If there was someone who cared, and already knew then maybe this could all be solved. 

  
  


Ted pulls out their phone and stares at the number Rufus gave them. They’ve been hesitant to use it, didn’t want to mess with space time, but they really don’t want to go to the hospital by themself here in San Dimas, and he’d been so warm and kind the last time he was here. So they call. 

  
  


The phone booth shows up nearby, but they don’t look over. Rufus kneels down in front of them, cupping their face gently and lifting it so he can see. Their face is probably covered with tears and blood, but all Rufus does is wipe their cheeks with his thumbs and gently pull them up. 

“C’mon, kiddo. We’ll get this fixed up in the future for you.” He says, wrapping an arm around them for support. Ted breaks down, half sobbing, half gasping for breath, clinging to Rufus’s trench coat. 

  
  


The future hospital is way fancy, and the doctor is able to fix their nose in a way that makes it look like it was never broken in the first place. Ted doesn’t want to go back yet, so Rufus introduces them to his daughter Kelly, and they all take a walk in a nearby park. Ted loves hearing about the stuff they inspire here, just through their music. They haven’t written it yet, but knowing they will makes the knowledge that they have to go home a little more bearable. They’ll make this future, with Bill and the girls. Kelly eventually has to go to work, and Ted is left with just Rufus. They look out over the pond together, and Ted tucks their legs up under them, criss-cross. They know the answer to the question, but they ask it anyway. 

  
  


“Do I have to go back?” 

“Unfortunately you do, you can’t make all this if you aren’t there to write it.” 

“How am I supposed to bring peace to the world if I can’t even bring peace to myself?! My dad hates me! I was totally bleeding all over my food and he didn’t even care! I just- I wish my mum were still around.” 

  
  


Rufus wraps an arm around their shoulders, and Ted leans into the hug. It’s comforting in the same way they remember their mum's hugs used to be. Ted really wishes Rufus could be his dad instead. Their dad sucks majorly. Most non-non-henious. 

“I can’t bring your mother back, Ted, but you can still share her memory. If not with your own family, you do have an aunt on your mother's side. You can try reaching out to her, perhaps?” Rufus suggested, making Ted think. 

  
  


Aunt Riley, Ted hasn’t seen her in years. They doubted they would have even remembered her if Rufus hadn’t said something. They couldn’t remember why she wasn’t around, only a vague memory of their dad not liking her. Dad hates talking about mum, but maybe if they could find her… 

  
  


“Thanks Rufus. For everything.” Ted mumbled, turning their face into the man’s shoulder. Rufus squeezed them tighter, and they felt a kiss being pressed to the top of their hair. They pressed further into the man’s shoulder as tears spilled over. 

“You’re going to be amazing, Ted. You already are.” 

  
  


Rufus eventually dropped them back by the circle k, where Bill would be in just a few minutes. 

“Ted, I know it’s scary, but… it’s not going to get better until you tell someone.” He says, making Ted swallow thickly. They nod their understanding, and watch the phone box leave before heading into the store to grab two slushies. Bill was heading up just as Ted came out of the store, and after the way Rufus had taken care of him, they were almost ready to tell Bill what was going on. They just had to find a way to bring it up. 

“Ted, my friend? Today is most bogus in nature. Jo totally broke up with me.” 

“Aw, dude! I’m sorry, man.” 

  
  


Ted doesn’t tell him. 

  
  


Ted does sneak up into the attic to check through some of mum's old stuff. It had been a long time since mum had been around, and they couldn’t remember her maiden name, which they were going to need if they were going to try and find his aunt. Unless his aunt had gotten married too, in which case… now wasn’t the time. 

  
  


They ended up finding a high school yearbook, and they sat there for a few minutes silently going through it, until he found their mum’s face. 

“Tammy Suen.” They murmur, pulling out their phone. 

  
  


Finding Aunt Riley was surprisingly easy. She was still going by Riley Suen, and she only lived in the next suburb over! According to Facebook, anyway. They sent her a friend request, and then opened a message to her, their hands shaking as they typed. 

  
  


_ Hi, I don’t know if you’d remember me, it’s been a long time and I changed my name since then. My name is Ted, I’m Tammy’s oldest kid. I was wondering if we could catch up maybe? Thanks, Ted Logan _

  
  


The reply didn’t come for an agonising hour, but as soon as their phone dinged, Ted was on it. 

  
  


_ Oh my goodness!! Hi sweetie! Of course I remember you, though you were much littler then! How is everything? Anything pronoun wise I need to know considering the name change? How’s the little one?  _

  
  


_ Oh, yeah! They/them for me :D! Deacon is going pretty good, he’s a lot smarter than I am, haha. Everything’s been okay here I’ve just… well, Dad doesn’t like to talk about mum and…  _

  
  


_ Oh, I understand, honey. I’m more than happy to get some lunch or coffee with you guys. Are you still in San Dimas?  _

  
  


_ We are! I’ll ask Deacs if he wants to come, he doesn’t know I’m doing this. Neither does dad.  _

  
  


_ I see. Your father hasn’t changed very much, has he?  _

  
  


_ Probably not.  _

  
  


_ It’ll be our little secret, okay?  _

  
  


_ Sounds great!  _

  
  


Ted stands outside Deacon’s room for a moment before knocking. The answer takes a while, because they both know it can only be Ted, as their dad doesn’t bother knocking, but Ted doesn’t tend to come into Deacon’s room much. 

“Yeah?” The answer finally comes, and Ted opens the door. 

“Hey, little dude, I- uh… I found our aunt.” They say, smiling softly as Deacon turns to look up at them. 

“Our aunt? Dad doesn’t have any sisters.” 

“Mums sister, dude.” They explain, and Deacon’s mouth drops open. 

“Oh.” 

“Apparently dad doesn’t like her very much, but I was just really missing mum and… she’s invited us to lunch to catch up. This Saturday, with her family. You can come if you want.” They offer, scratching the back of their neck. Deacon nods slowly, thinking it over. 

“I’ll, um, I’ll let you know.” 

“Cool. No pressure, Deacs.” 

  
  


Ted leaves, and they’re worried he might tell dad, but they don’t get into trouble over contacting his aunt, and when they go to leave the house on Saturday, Deacon rushes downstairs to join them. 

  
  


Aunt Riley is waiting at the restaurant with another woman and two small kids. 

“Hey!” Ted calls over, and Aunt Riley looks up with a grin. 

“Oh, hello! Look at you both!” She laughs as she stands up, pulling Ted into a hug, which they easily return. “And you must be Deacon, it’s so nice to meet you, honey.” She says, turning her attention to their younger brother. She doesn’t hug him, but even Ted can tell he wouldn’t welcome that. She does squeeze his shoulder as he nods and gives a small smile, before she turns back to the table. “Well, this is the family. My wife, Elisa, and the kids are Ash and Alex.” 

  
  


The little girl looks up at them at the sound of her name, and she grins. 

“Are you our new cousins?” She asks, and Ted nods with a grin. 

“Absolutely, little dude. I’m Ted, and this is Deacon.” 

“I’m Ash! You can sit next to me, because Alex likes to sit next to mummy.” 

“A most excellent idea, young one.” Ted replies, and Ash giggles at the praise. 

  
  


The lunch is… amazing. Aunt Riley and Elisa are kind and loving, not just to their own kids but to the Logan kids as well. Deacon relaxes, asks questions about mum he never had a chance to ask around their dad. He asks about their wedding, Ted asks about the kids. Ash and Alex are happy and bright, though Alex is much shyer than his sister. Ash asks them about their favourite colour and animal and song and movie and lizard and Ted is happy to answer all her questions. They leave late in the afternoon, Deacon’s phone now holding both Aunt Riley’s and Aunt Elisa’s contact information. It’s the happiest Ted can ever remember seeing their brother. They’re happy walking home together, laughing and joking in a way they never have before. 

  
  


It doesn’t last once they get home. 

  
  


This pattern continues. They meet up with their aunts every so often, and separate when they get home. Ted doesn’t blame Deacon, if they could escape their father, they would too. They continue getting hit, and hiding the bruises under concealer. People continue to not notice. 

  
  


Ted and Bill are hanging out at the skatepark, sipping on slushies and just hanging out. Bill says something stupid, their normal stuff, and Ted ends up laughing so hard a few tears fall down their face. 

“Dude.” Bill says suddenly, grabbing Ted’s shoulder and turning them towards him. “Are those bruises? Are you wearing makeup? Are you okay? Why are you hiding them?” 

  
  


The questions come rapid fire, and Ted panics. People can’t know, because then their dad will know they told, which will only get them in more trouble. The panic burns, and Ted does the only thing they can think of. 

“What’s it matter? You haven’t cared until now anyway.” They snap, pushing Bill’s hand away. Part of their brain hates what they’re saying, but the rest of them is just driving on pure fear.

  
  


Bill frowns, hand still raised. 

“Dude, what? You’ve been hiding this from me?” He asks. Ted’s panic switches to anger and he lashes out more. 

“Oh, I’m  _ soo _ sorry that my face being a punching bag hurts your feelings!” They push themselves off the ground, walking away. They don’t know how to deal with this. 

“What? Ted! Ted, what the hell?! I just wanna know what’s going on!” He calls, scrambling to catch up. Ted whips around to face him, shoving their slushie cup into the others chest. 

“You had your chance to find out, dude, and you blew it. Just- just fuck off, Bill! I don’t wanna see you right now!” 

  
  


They turn back around and storm off, anger and panic swirling through their whole body. Churning their stomach, pressing in on their chest, boiling their blood. The tiny part of their brain that’s still working rationally is trying to tell them to go back and tell Bill, remember what Rufus said, Bill hadn’t even known about that chance and it wasn’t fair to hold it against him. That part of their brain wasn’t really in control at the moment. 

  
  


Panic won out over anger when they got home and saw their dad was home too. Trying to tell their dad that the messed up concealer wasn’t because they had told someone was doomed from the start, but they tried anyway. The now familiar feeling was interrupted by a panicked voice. 

“Dad stop! Leave them alone!” Deacon yells, and their dad turns to their baby brother, but there’s no way Ted is going to let that happen. They push their dad out of the way, grab Deacon by the arm and run out the door with him. 

  
  


They run blindly for a while, just trying to put distance between them and their dad, only stopping when they’re both out of breath. Ted leans against the wall of the back alley they’re in, trying to figure out what to do next, and they watch as Deacon pulls his phone out. 

“Who are you calling?” They ask, thinking maybe Deacon had a friend he could stay with. 

“Aunt Elisa. She works for CPS, remember?” 

  
  


The next few weeks are a whirlwind. Their aunts take them both in, their dad gets  _ arrested. _ It turns out Deacon had been filming on his phone in secret for evidence. When Ted sees there’s videos of Deacon getting hurt they almost fly off the handle. Deacon hugs them and cries into their chest, confessing that he didn’t know Ted cared that much. There’s lawyers and a trial being organised, trying to get their stuff back. Aunt Riley finds them both therapists, they’re off school for a while as they determine if they can still go to the Sam Dimas schools. 

  
  


It’s almost two months before things start to settle down, and Ted’s confronted with the fact that they haven’t spoken to Bill or the girls since they told Bill to fuck off after asking about the bruises. The thought of trying to explain all of this makes them sick, and it’s been so long, surely they must hate them for abandoning them. They check their social media to try and gauge an idea of how they are, but there aren’t many updates. The last thing they check is the bands youtube, to see if they had posted any new stuff. There’s a few things, a song Liz wrote, a cover by both girls, but the most recent upload from about a week ago was Bill alone with an acoustic guitar singing a cover of  _ Come In With The Rain _ by Taylor Swift. 

  
  


_ I've watched you so long, screamed your name _

_ I don't know what else I can say _

_ But I'll leave my window open _

_ 'Cause I'm too tired at night for all these games _

_ Just know I'm right here hoping _

_ That you'll come in with the rain _

  
  


Watching it makes Ted cry. Bill doesn’t like Taylor’s earlier stuff much, preferring stuff from RED and onwards if he likes her at all. He’s wearing one of Ted’s shirts that were always being left behind at Bill’s house. He looks wrecked, sadder than they had ever seen him before. It’s very clearly a song meant for Ted as some sort of apology and a way to reach out. Aunt Riley finds them crying over the video as they watch it again, already having lost track of how many times they’d pressed replay. She hugs them and strokes their hair as they tell her what they did, that they don’t know how to reach out again, that they’re worried they’ve ruined everything. 

  
  


Aunt Riley points out that Bill made this video for them, so he obviously still cares. Reminds them they can ask their therapist to help them come up with ideas on what to say. They nod into their aunts shoulder, taking the advice on board. Their next session goes well, Ted kinda loves their therapist. Dr McKenzie is also enby and seems to understand their thought process even when they have trouble understanding their own thoughts. They come up with some ideas together, and Doc tells them that even if things don’t go to plan, doesn’t mean it’s over. These are their friends, they care about them. 

  
  


As they go to leave Doc smiles at them. 

“Our next session isn’t until after your birthday, so a happy birthday for next week, Ted.” They say, and Ted thanks them automatically, but is internally shocked by the realisation that their birthday is only five days away. 

  
  


~~~ 

  
  


Ted is seventeen when they reunite with their friends. 

  
  


It’s their birthday, and even though they’re nervous as hell, all they want is to see the band again. Aunt Riley drives him over to Sam Dimas, and they direct her to the usual spots where Bill might be. They could text and ask, but they can’t stand the thought of their first words in months being over  _ text. _ The last place they check is Bill’s house, which was probably a dumb decision, but it was also on purpose. It’s the stop closest to their old house, and they don’t really want to be near there. 

  
  


The garage is open, Bill and the girls talking over their instruments when the car pulls up. The three of them look over as Ted climbs out of the car, and Bill instantly abandons his guitar to run over and jump into Ted’s arms. Catching him is as easy as it’s always been, and Bill is clutching to them just as tightly as they’re clinging to Bill. They’re already crying, apologies falling from their lips non stop as the girls catch up and join the hug, and Ted can’t believe they ever thought these people would hate them. 

  
  


They all sit in the garage as Ted does their best to tell the story. Getting hurt, getting hurt  _ badly, _ running to the future with Rufus, the one attempt they almost made to say something but choking and not knowing how to do it. Finding Aunt Riley, seeing Deacon happy for once, that one disastrous day a few months ago when everything finally changed. There’s more than once where Ted has to stop and try and find the right words through their panic, and all four of them cry at some point. The band circles in when they finish to hug them again. Bill doesn’t pull away when the girls do, instead resting his head on their shoulder. 

“I missed you, dude.” He mumbles, and Ted takes his hand. 

“I missed you too.” 

  
  


Aunt Riley invites them all to dinner for their birthday, which the band readily accepts. Ted asks if they can stay and jam, and Aunt Riley cups their cheek and kisses the top of their head. 

“You stay as long as you want, honey. Call me if you need anything, we’ll pick you up for dinner, okay?” She says, and Ted nods, not remembering a time when they felt so loved and taken care of. 

  
  


They jam together for hours, their favourite songs, new songs, even a bit of workshopping on their own music. Rufus shows up, Ted excitedly throwing themself at the man for a hug. He gives Ted a new phone, and they can’t even begin to describe how thankful they are to be able to rid themselves of the last reminder of their dad. Rufus jams with them for a while, but leaves just before Aunt Riley comes back to get them. 

  
  


Ted sits between Bill and Jo at dinner, Deacon and Liz across from them. Everyone is happy and laughing, and Ted gets a little overwhelmed at the presents they’re given. 

  
  


It’s the best birthday they can ever remember having. 

  
  


~~~ 

  
  


Ted is eighteen and stuck in quarantine. 

  
  


2020 sucks majorly. All their senior activities were cancelled, they can’t see their friends in person, and online school is even harder than regular school. At least school was over now, but that had still been supremely non-non-heinous. 

  
  


They’re randomly scrolling through Instagram, taking a break from songwriting when a post from Taylor Swift comes across his page. 

“No way.” They grin, opening up their laptop to FaceTime Bill. 

“Hey dude! How’s it hanging?” Bill asks, and Ted holds his phone up to the camera. 

“Dude! Did you see? Ms Swift is releasing a new album at midnight!” 

“Excellent!” Bill exclaims, and they air guitar together. 

  
  


They talk for a little longer, Ted logging off when Alex knocks on the door and asks them to play a game with him and Ash. They entertain the little dudes for a few hours while Aunt Riley and Elisa organise dinner. They pull Deacon out of his gaming trance to eat, and then sits him outside on the back porch so he can get some fresh air while he tells them all about what he’s accomplished in his games. Aunt Riley can play piano, so they jam some Elton John together in the living room until the kids' bedtime. They chat with Abbi and Liz while they wait for midnight, the girls also excited for the new release. 

  
  


The girls log off when they go to listen to the album, and Ted pulls out their big headphones for a proper album listening experience. It’s a most transcendent album, and they truly appreciate every song on it, but the first track is something else. Despite being about a slightly different situation, the lyrics really sum up how they feel about Bill. 

  
  


And they’d been doing so well pretending to ignore it lately. Damn. 

  
  


They listen to the whole album a few times over the next few weeks, because new albums are always fun, but they keep coming back to  _ the 1. _ They check with the girls to see if they were interested in doing any covers from the new album, and when the answer is no, they get to work. 

  
  


Aunt Riley helps with the piano part, while they play the guitar and sing. Ted spends about three days editing the audio and video with Liz’s help over the phone until they’re finally happy with it. Sends a message to the band chat that they’re putting out a video. With them being separated by quarantine the band is mostly doing seperate videos now, just because it’s easier, but they try not to overlap uploads too much. They watch it again once the video is live, and hearing their own voice sing the lyrics really does them in for this song all over again. 

  
  


_ You know the greatest loves of all time are over now _

_ I guess you never know, never know _

_ And it's another day, waking up alone _

_ But we were something, don't you think so? _

_ Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool _

_ And if my wishes came true _

_ It would've been you _

_ In my defense, I have none _

_ For never leaving well enough alone _

_ But it would've been fun _

_ If you would've been the one _

  
  


Ted’s a bit worried that it’s too obvious now, they very clearly look like they’re pining and in love, which they  _ are, _ but they didn’t want Bill to  _ know. _ All Bill says is that it’s an excellent cover and that they totally nailed the guitar picking. Even though they hadn’t wanted Bill to know, they’re still a little disappointed at the lack of response. But it’s fine. 

  
  


It’s fine. 

  
  


It’s kinda not fine. 

  
  


They decide to message Rufus, because the girls will gossip too much. 

  
  


_ So, I know I’m not meant to ask about my own future, but can I please know SOMETHING about me and Bill?? The dude is most totally oblivious.  _

_ He is a bit. I can’t say much, but I will tell you he’s not oblivious forever.  _

_ In, like, a good way?? Or a bad way??  _

_ I can’t tell you that, sorry _

_ How long is “forever”, then? _

_ Or that one _

_ Please 🥺  _

_ Ted. I’m sorry, but I can’t. You know the rules of time travel.  _

_ Bogus, dude  _

_ Dad ur a total buzzkill :/  _

_ Yeah I know, I’m sorry kiddo.  _

  
  


Ted sighs, falling backwards onto their pillow and throwing an arm over their eyes. Their phone buzzes again after a few minutes, and they pick it up to check the message. They frown when they don’t recognise the number. 

  
  


_ Psst, it’s Kelly. You’re only 18 at the moment, yeah?  _

_ How’s it hanging, Kelly? Yeah, I’m 18 ✌️  _

_ Okay good, I got onto the right time stream lmao _

_ Don’t tell our dad I told you, but the answer to your question is that he becomes non-oblivious in a most totally excellent way 👌✌️✨ _

_ Omg Kelly I love u 🥺💖  _

_ Muah, love you too 💖✨💖 _

  
  


Ted screams into their pillow for a while after that. 

  
  


Restrictions start to ease up after a while, and the band can meet up again. They don’t make as much music, because the large backyard at the Suen/Logan household means more people can be socially distanced instead of the band squishing in the garage at Bill’s place. Bill brings his own guitar sometimes though, and Aunt Riley lets Liz use the piano if they really feel like jamming. Deacon comes out of his room more, though he and his friends usually just end up playing video games in the backyard, it’s better than being cooped up. 

  
  


Liz captures them jokingly ranting about cis people one day, and it’s funny, so they post it to tik tok, where it goes viral. Ted honestly didn’t think that would happen, and ends up with a lot of support from gay/enby tik tok, as well as sucky stuff from homophobes. They use the new following to promote the band, and somehow that works. The bands view count on YouTube ticks up to the hundreds of thousands and holds steady there, which blows all of them away. 

  
  


Bill’s birthday starts approaching, and Aunt Riley offers the backyard for a small party. Bill asks for the day before his actual birthday, and the only people outside the band he invites are Abbi and Missy. She wasn’t his step mum for long, but Ted knows Bill really did appreciate her being around for him, and continuing to be so even now that she’s separated from his dad. Ted’s found a Van Halen record to give him, and is eagerly counting down the days. 

  
  


The day of the party is great. By then restrictions have eased a little more, and Ted is actually allowed to hug their best friend again. The two of them hang off each other, both of them having missed their casual physical affection more than they’d realised. Deacon tells them to get a room, and Ted throws some chips at him, then laughs when Ash asks Deacon what that means. Aunt Elisa had the barbecue going, and everyone was enjoying just being together again, as well as celebrating Bill. 

  
  


“Food’s gonna be about ten more minutes.” Aunt Elisa says, and Bill stands suddenly, wiping his hands on his jeans and walking over to where he’d left his guitar leaning against the wall. 

“You alright, dude?” Ted asks, because their best friend looks extremely nervous, and he shouldn’t look like that on his birthday. 

“Uh, yeah, yeah dude. So, food’s soon, and I feel like I gotta do this before then or I’ll totally lose my nerve, you know? I also have to do it today, because it’s my last day of being seventeen.” Bill says, and Ted feels like they’re missing a bit of context. 

  
  


Joanna sighs as she pulls a harmonica out of her bag. 

“You don’t have to be seventeen to sing it just because it says seventeen in the song.” 

“It’s the symbolism, Jo!” Bill insists, and this sounds like an old argument between them, but this is the first Ted’s hearing of it. Liz and Abbi are grinning in anticipation, while they’re totally out of the loop. 

“Have you guys been planning something?” They ask, and Bill shakes his head. 

“No! Well, kinda. Actually yes. Yes. Jo learned how to play harmonica just to help me do this, and we have to stan her most totally excellent behaviour. I wouldn’t normally do a song like this, but I think, for the context of why I am performing it, it’s a good choice. Anyway, uh, so I’m going to play a song, because, again, it’s my last day of being seventeen and I- I think I need to play this song. So. Yes, I planned to play a song.” 

  
  


Bill’s rambling. He doesn’t ramble often, only when he’s nervous, and Ted still can’t think of a reason why he should be nervous. They grin up at him supportively, doing their best to put him at ease. 

“Go for it, dude! It’s your almost-birthday!” They say, and Bill’s shoulders relax as he grins back. He sets up with Jo out on the grass, just a little outside the porch, and Ted leans over the railing to watch. 

  
  


Bill starts strumming, and Jo starts her harmonica, and Ted instantly knows the song. They’ve listened to it for weeks, it’s a favourite of theirs from  _ folklore. _ Bill is playing Taylor Swift’s  _ betty, _ and the implication of it all has Ted gripping the porch railing white knuckled. For most of the song Bill is looking at the guitar, or just next to Ted, but when their eyes finally meet for the last chorus, Bill grins, walking forward as he sings. 

  
  


_ Yeah, I showed up at your party _

_ Will you have me? _

_ Will you love me? _

_ Will you kiss me on the porch  _

_ In front of all your stupid friends? _

_ If you kiss me _

_ Will it be just like I dreamed it?  _

_ Will it patch your broken wings? _

_ I'm only seventeen _

_ I don't know anything _

_ But I know I miss you _

  
  


Bill’s standing right below them, looking both confident and scared and he just sang them a  _ love song, _ and Ted smiles giddily as they lean over the porch railing to kiss him. The wood is pressing into their stomach uncomfortably and if their toes slip they’re a goner, but all that is ignored as Bill’s hands slip into their hair and they can feel him smiling against their own lips. 

  
  


The two pull apart when they hear giggling, and Ted glares over at Ash and Alex playfully. It only makes them laugh more, and Alex makes a chopping motion on his chest. 

“Chop chop chop!” He laughs, Ash laughing even harder as she copies him. 

“Chop chop chop!” She squeals, and Bill is looking at them with a bemused frown. 

“What’s chop chop chop?” He asks, and Ted laughs. 

“It’s a love song, from their favourite cartoon.” Ted answers, feeling their cheeks heat up. The kids are still just screaming chop chop chop, so they fill in the rest of the lyrics. 

  
  


_ Chop chop chop! Chop away at my heart! _

_ I can feel it falling (timber!) and I will never part _

_ I know you, you've been there from the start _

_ So baby chop chop chop! Chop away at my heart! _

  
  


Bill laughs as Ted stops singing, his own cheeks turning pink. 

“They’re not wrong.” He says, beaming up at Ted. Ted grins back, pressing a kiss to the back of Bill’s hand. 

“No, they’re not.” 

  
  


Deacon tells them to get a room again, so Ted pokes their tongue out at him. 

  
  


~~~ 

  
  


Ted is nineteen when they legally change their name. 

  
  


The band is hosting a live q&a on YouTube, the popularity they had gained last year over quarantine having stayed with them. It unfortunately does attract a few homophobes, being a whole band of queer people, but they ignore them for the most part. Ted is caught off guard when someone asks what their birth name was. 

  
  


“What do you even mean? It’s Ted. I mean, Ted is short for something but I’m not gonna tell you. It’s gross. Totally bogus. Every time I have to write it on a form I kinda wanna throw up.” They laugh, because otherwise it’s too serious. 

“Why don’t you just change your name?” Liz asks, and Ted blinks at her. 

“What?” 

“Get your name changed. Legally. So you don’t have to write it on forms.” She elaborates, and Ted blinks at her again. They grin and lean over Bill to press a kiss to her forehead. 

“Liz, you’re a genius! Dude, I can totally just change my name!” They laugh, actually laugh this time, already giddy at the prospect. 

  
  


“If we’re responding to homophobes now I wanna address whatever guy that said  _ ‘are there any straight people in this band’, _ because that shit was hilarious.” Jo says, grinning as Liz snorts on her laugh. 

“Dude, I’m totally straight.” Bill says, and Ted frowns at him. 

“Dude, you most totally are not.” They reply, pointing at themself. “I am not a girl. You,” they point at Bill, “are dating me,” they point back at themself, “since I am not a girl, you aren’t straight.” 

  
  


Bill’s eyes widen and he runs a hand through his hair. 

“Woah… I totally hadn’t thought of it like that. This is a most thought provoking revelation.” He says, looking bewildered. Ted softens and takes his hand. 

“Hey, I’m sorry, babe, I probably should have brought that up in a better way. Do you wanna cut this short?” They ask gently, and Bill shakes his head. 

“No way, dude. I can just deal with it later.” He says, and Ted presses a kiss to his cheek. 

  
  


“I wish I could compartmentalise like you two can.” Liz sighs, and Ted grins at her. 

“Fun fact, my therapist still hasn’t figured out if the way I can compartmentalise is a good or bad coping mechanism!” They announce, and Jo laughs. 

“Hey guys, you wanna hear something fucked up?” She mimics in their voice, and Ted just shrugs. They turn back to the monitor to find some more questions to answer, when a charged comment pops up. They wrinkle their nose when they realise it’s another homophobe, but actually reading it makes them short circuit. 

  
  


“Does that say what I think it says?” They ask, and Jo leans over to read it. She laughs and nods. 

“Yup, someone paid us five dollars to go on a transphobic rant about how you’ll always be the gender god made you, and used he/him pronouns. Thanks dude! We’ll give that five bucks to the Trevor Project in your name.” She smiles sweetly, and Ted laughs so hard they fall off the couch. 

  
  


Ted offers to stay the night with Bill, because they did just drop a bombshell of epic personal proportions on him, but Bill says he’ll be alright. Ted kisses him goodbye when Aunt Elisa pulls up, reminds him that they love him, and Bill says the same back. They climb into the car with the girls so Aunt Elisa can drop them at their apartment, and starts questioning their aunt on how they would go about changing their name. 

  
  


Getting it organised turns out not to be that hard. Aunt Elisa knows how to apply for a name change from family court, when kids get adopted and want to change their family name. Their aunts are more than happy to pay for the fee (though it takes Ted a session with Dr McKenzie for them to accept that). In the end all that’s left is actually deciding on a name. Ted is a no-brainer, but they also have a middle name they can get rid of and change. Not to mention their last name… (the same session with Doc is also spent weighing the pros and cons of keeping the Logan). It takes them a few days to decide, but when they leave the courthouse the first thing they’re doing is messaging the band discord. 

  
  


ted talk: sup gang you are now speaking to officially and legally one Ted Rufus Theodore Suen ✌️🤙

check please: yess!! Excellent!!! We have to stan 💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡

jojos bizarre adventure: woo!!! Are we celebrating?? 

queen shit: b r u h 

queen shit: ily but you named yourself after RUFUS and also YOURSELF????? 

ted talk: that’s my fucking dad yeah I named myself after him 

ted talk: we stan Rufus in this house. King shit. Legends only. 

ted talk: also yes myself 

ted talk: i thot it was funnie 

check please: it is supremely hilarious my friend 

ted talk: thx babe ily 🥰😘

check please: ILY TOOOOO 💛💛💛 

jojos bizarre adventure: very sexy of you to get rid of ur last name 

ted talk: I know 

ted talk: fuck c*ptain l*gan me and all my homies hate c*ptain l*gan !!! 

queen shit: I will give you that one, the Suen is legendary behaviour. Monarch shit

check please: MONARCH SJSJWJSJSHHS

queen shit: well im not gonna call them king or queen so monarch it is 

ted talk: nsndjsjsjjs high key I love that 

jojos bizarre adventure: hey change the subject time 

jojos bizarre adventure: bill how wld u feel if I asked out Missy 👀 

check please: HUH 

jojos bizarre adventure: like, if you absolutely hate the idea and it makes you uncomfortable I won’t do it, but like, ur mum can get it and I wanna ask her out 

check please: I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT WHAT MY MOTHER CAN GET

check please: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME 

check please: i hate u. yes you can ask her out

check please: just remember she’s my MUM so I don’t wanna know 

jojos bizarre adventure: Bill, if it really upsets you I won’t even think about it 

check please: no, no, it’s fine, u just caught me off guard. Also u said my mum cld get it and I hate you for that 

jojos bizarre adventure: djsjjdjsjs FAIR! 

check please: anyway my turn to change the subject time 

check please: how did y’all fucking d o t h i s ? 

ted talk: babe you don’t need to decide what u want to identify as rn 

check please: it’s so weirddddd I think I’m happy with one thing and then I think about another thing and it’s all just 

check please: Ugh 

check please: how did you just wake up one day and decide this is t o r t u r e 

ted talk: babe that is not at all what happened. 

check please: Uh yeah?? You climbed thru my window and told me you were a they?? 

ted talk: dude. 

ted talk: I spent MONTHS thinking about that. I don’t think I got a full nights sleep for at least four months, if not longer 

check please: wh

check please: what 

check please: and pray the fuck tell me why you did not tell me about this then 

ted talk: bc I lived with my dad and ur mum had just left 

check please: Ah 

check please: yeah, okay 

queen shit: well I did wake up and just decide 

queen shit: I got to the future, Ted told me that women who liked women were called lesbians and I went, real shit? And then I was a lesbian 

check please: jdjdjdjdhdusu legends only 

check please: oh wait I have an idea 

check please added future man to the chat! 

ted talk: DAD!!!!!!! 

future man: hey, are you kids alright?? The timeline has shifted, has anything major happened? 

ted talk: Hi!!!!!!!!! 

ted talk: I changed my name!!!!!!! 

future man: you did? I don’t think that happened originally...

ted talk: yeah dude!!!! I am now Ted Rufus Theodore Suen!!!! 

future man: oh, dude

ted talk: … should I have asked first? Or not done it? 

future man: no way dude! It’s totally excellent! 

ted talk: ISNT IT?? 

future man: as long as you’re happy with it

ted talk: this is definitely the most supremely excellent change 

future man: it’s great, I love it. 

ted talk: thank you dad 🥺💖 

ted talk: I miss u when are you coming to visit!!!!! 

future man: soon, I promise 

ted talk: good 💖💖💖 

check please: you good dude? 

ted talk: shh, dad time

check please: but dude my question 

ted talk: oh yeah 

ted talk: my bad dude, go ahead

check please: hey Rufus what do I identify as in the future 

future man: you kids know I can’t tell you why are you always asking me 

check please: bc it’s hard :( 

ted talk: hang on dude I gotchu 

ted talk added jelly kelly

ted talk: Kelly what does bill identify as in the future 

future man: what the fuck 

jelly kelly: dude why would u ask when dad is here 

ted talk: head empty. no thoughts. 

jelly kelly: felt 

jojos bizarre adventure: omg ted is a Himbo 

queen shit: HEJSJSJSJSHSHHS SHUT UP!!!! 

ted talk: BDBSJJSJSBSHS EXCELLENT!!!!! 

check please: can’t some 1 just help me :( 

jelly kelly: okay look I can’t tell you exactly 

jelly kelly: but you know there are other words for when you aren’t sure, right? 

jelly kelly: you can just say “gay”, or just “queer”, if you’re comfortable with that. 

jelly kelly: and then figure out the rest in your own time 

jelly kelly: you could even just use “not fucking straight that’s for sure” and it wouldn’t be anybody’s business but your own. 

check please: huh 

check please: thats… surprisingly helpful 

ted talk: kelly u sound like dr Mack 

jelly kelly: I do also be a therapist doe 😳

queen shit: djsjsjjs 

ted talk: oh yea shsjsjsjjs I forgot bc ur always pulling dumb shit with me 

future man: and what exactly is kelly doing with you 

ted talk: nothing. I’ve never heard of kelly in my life. What’s a kelly? 

queen shit: oh my god you are a himbo. I hate this. I hate this. 

check please: it’s very sexy of them. Head empty, heart full 💛 

future man: sometimes I’m reminded that you guys really are just kids 

future man: this is one of those times. 

ted talk: dad how cld you even forget I was a baby when you met me 

future man: you were fifteen, it was four years ago

ted talk: A BABY

check please: it’s true I was there I was also a baby 

jojos bizarre adventures: yeah they were both babies 

queen shit: they’re still baby. 

jelly kelly: Ted is so baby. 

ted talk: smol 

check please: gay nodding 

future man: party on dudes 

ted talk: BYE DAD I LOVE YOU!!!! 

future man: love you too kid 💜

jelly kelly: see ya sibby!!!! 

future man has left the chat 

jelly kelly has left the chat 

jojos bizarre adventure: anyway so Missy and i have a date next Friday 

check please: WHILE I WAS IN A CRISIS JO 

jojos bizarre adventure: no time like the present 

ted talk: she do be kinda iconic doe 


	2. Growing Up

Ted is twenty one when they die. 

  
  


Evil Robot Ted pushes them up a cliff, laughing about the things they’re going to do to their family. They struggle against their hold, but Evil Robot Ted is a robot, and is way stronger than they are. They try one last ploy as they dangle over the cliff, locking eyes with Bill. 

  
  


“We forgive you.” 

“Fags!” 

  
  


Ted sits up at the bottom of the cliff, panting for air they no longer need as they scramble after the Evil Robot Thems. 

“Ted! Ted, wait! We have to come up with a plan!” 

“There’s no time for a plan, Bill!” Ted screams, grabbing at their hair. “They’re going after the kids! My aunt-mums! My brother! They’re gonna tell my dad where I live! They’re gonna hurt the girls! We can’t just- we can’t just-“ 

  
  


They gasp for air, trying to breathe when they no longer have lungs. Bill’s ghostly hands cup their face, and he gently tugs Ted down until their foreheads press together. 

“I know, baby, I know. Running after them without knowing what to do isn’t going to help them either. We’ll think of something, we always do.” He whispers, and Ted nods just slightly, grabbing onto Bill’s wrists. 

  
  


“You cannot outrun Death, though many have tried.” An unfamiliar voice interrupts them, and they both turn to look at who had spoken. 

“Dude, we aren’t trying to outrun you.” Bill says, placing a hand on his hip, unimpressed. “We’re trying to stop Evil Robot Us’s from hurting the people we care about.” 

“All must have their time.” Death says, and Ted stalks forward to grab the dude by the cloak, pulling them forward so they’re face to face and Death is off balance. 

“Alex is ten fucking years old, Ash is only twelve. Deacon is six-fucking-teen, does it sound like it’s their  _ fucking time?!” _ They growl, honest to god growl. Ted has only been this angry once before, and it’s the same protective urge driving them now. 

  
  


Death stammers, trying to find their footing. 

“Uh- well- you see- there are  _ rules _ for this kind of thing!” They insist, and Ted pushes them away in disgust. Death stumbles, but regains their footing and sighs. “Look, I’m sorry about those kids. I don’t like reaping kids. But you did threaten one of the immortal oracles. You have to go to hell for that, but if you make it out of your own personal hells, you can summon me. Once you do, you may challenge me to a game, and if you win I will return you to the mortal world. If you lose, you’re stuck in hell forever. I will warn you, I have never lost before, but surely this is a better plan than- than running around as  _ ghosts.” _ They explain, gesturing to their non-corporeal forms. 

  
  


Ted looks over at Bill, the two of them silently weighing their options. As much as they hate to admit it, Death has a point. Running around as ghosts  _ won’t _ do much, and going to hell does not sound ideal, but a chance at beating Death is better than anything they can come up with on their own. What would they even do, try and possess someone? Then what? 

  
  


“Fine.” Ted says, and Bill nods in agreement. The ground opens up underneath them, and they fall into hell. 

  
  


Colonel Oates is screaming at them to give them infinity pushups, and they both drop to the ground to obey. The screaming fills Ted’s chest with anxiety, while Bill whines about not being athletic enough for push ups. They seem to view this hell very differently. Ted looks up and sees a door, they have no idea where it leads, but it’s better than this. 

“Come on, dude.” They say, tugging on Bill’s arm until they’re running down the hallway together. 

  
  


The door releases them into a maze of other doors, more of their own personal hells. 

“Maybe we should split up, so they can’t use our combined hells to torture us more.” Bill suggests, and Ted nods. They grab Bill’s arm and pull him in for a kiss before they have to part. 

“Good luck.” They whisper against his lips, and Bill kisses them again. 

  
  


Bill walks backwards a few steps, watching them, before finally turning around. Ted watches him leave, and when he turns a corner, they turn and go the other way themselves. There’s a lot of doors, and Ted’s terrified of opening any of them. They’ve lived a long time in a short amount of years, with plenty of bad in it. They hear music behind one of the doors and pause. They have to make it through hell to approach Death, and surely anything with music can’t be that bad… 

  
  


The policeman’s ball comes to life around them, and Ted feels sick. 

  
  


“Oh, Johnathan! Look at how sweet your little girl is. Are you having fun, Dora?” 

“M- my name’s Ted.” They answer automatically, but their father's hand squeezes tight on their shoulder, and Ted shrinks. The purple dress around them feels hot and itchy and their hair starts growing longer and longer, getting heavier and heavier. 

“Now, Dora, be polite.” Their father insists, and Ted whimpers. 

  
  


They do their best, but every time they mess up, their hair gets heavier, the dress gets itchier, and their father's hand tightens further. Eventually they’re just sobbing as they’re led around the room, which isn’t polite at all and leads to a constant worsening of the situation. Their hair is dragging behind them by now, and it takes effort to move with the weight of it. 

  
  


They catch themselves in a wonky reflection in a water glass, and their breath catches. 

“Be polite, Dora.” Their father says, and Ted pulls themself out of the grip. 

“No.” They say, stalking towards the table and grabbing a steak knife, using it to slash through their hair. They storm out the door, the dress and steak knife vanishing, and Ted is back to normal. 

“Ted! There you are, dude!” 

  
  


Ted looks over at the sound of Bill’s voice, stumbling forward to hug his boyfriend. 

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m here. You’re okay.” He whispers, holding them close. 

“Where were you?” Bill asks, and Ted notices the tight hold Bill has on the back of their jacket. 

“Policeman’s ball. You?” 

“Nana’s birthday.” 

  
  


Ted nods into Bill’s shoulder, letting out a shaky breath. 

“You okay?” 

“I’ll be honest, Ted, I had totally repressed that memory.” 

“I keep telling you to try therapy.” 

“Yeah, maybe after the battle of the bands.” Bill says as he clutches Ted closer, and they kiss the side of their boyfriends head. 

“Maybe our extreme compartmentalisation is not a good coping mechanism.” They say, and Bill barks a laugh against his will, shaking in Ted’s arms. 

  
  


Ted’s absolute breaking point, and Bill’s nan having a heart attack and dying on her own birthday. Personal hell is an understatement. 

  
  


Bill pulls away first, smiling shakily and holding Ted’s hands in a white knuckled grip. Ted doesn’t complain, bringing one of them up to kiss the back of his hand. Bill nods, and Ted nods back, before they both look up. 

“We want to speak to Death.” 

  
  


Death transports them both to purgatory, and they stand to face them. 

“Do you challenge me for your lives?” 

“We do.” 

“Very well, state your game.” 

“What are the limitations?” 

“There are none.” 

  
  


Ted glances down at Bill, squeezing the one hand they were still connected by. There’s one game that they always dominate at every game night, no matter what. 

“Battleship.” They answer together. 

  
  


Death freaks out over losing, and Ted wants to smack them over the head. There are kids in danger and they’re worried about their  _ winning streak. _ After a deep breath they let it slide. Death is immortal, and this is their first time losing. However, with four wins on their side, Ted is losing patience. 

“Dude, you lost! You owe us! Stop being a dickweed!” They snap, Bill holding their arm so they don’t lose it on Death. 

“Alright, he gets it, Ted. C’mon, we need a plan to defeat Evil Robot Us’s.” 

“Well, what about- Wait. You’ve been using he/him pronouns for Death in your head?” 

“Yeah? What have you been using.” 

“They/them, dude.” 

“Oh, I suppose Death did exist before gender.” 

“My pronouns are they/he, if you cared to ask.” Death interrupted. 

  
  


“Oh, mad respect, dude. Anyway, what if we built Good Robot Us’s!” Ted says, grinning at Bill. 

“Hell yeah, dude! Wait, we don’t know how to make robots.” Bill answers, and they both think for a moment. 

“Hey Death, could you take us to someone who could help us?” Bill asks, and Death sighs. 

“I am at your command.” He says, and turns around to lead the way. 

  
  


“Only the most enlightened people can enter heaven.” Death informs them, and the two of them ponder what to do for a minute. 

“We could knock some guys out and take their clothes as a disguise?” Bill suggests. 

“Perhaps, but that is not very heavenly behaviour. This is an emergency, maybe they’ll let us in if we ask? It’s God, right? God’s all about peace and junk.” 

“Oh yeah! And if that doesn’t work, we go with the disguise idea.” 

“Of course!” 

  
  


The three of them line up with the other people, Ted chewing on their thumb as they waited. Bill took their hand from their mouth, holding it in both of his own. Ted took a deep breath and locked their fingers together, doing their best not to think about just how long this was all taking. Who knows what the Evil Robot Them’s could have gotten up to by now? Was everyone still okay? 

  
  


They approach the angel at the gates, Bill and Ted holding their arms out with one hand on their chests as they greet them. 

“How’s it hanging, angel-dude?” They say, and the angel blinks at them. 

“What is your business here?” The angel asks, placing the feather pen down. 

“Well you see, we were totally killed by Evil Robot Us’s from the future.” 

“And they’re totally planning on hurting my family, my kid siblings.” 

“Which is most un-heavenly behaviour, I’m sure you agree.” 

“We also totally beat Death at four games, so he owes us our mortality back.” 

“But we can’t fight Evil Robot Us’s by ourselves, and it’s very important to us that we’re able to stop them.” 

“Both to save my family, and to fulfil our destiny.” 

“So we have come here to ask for assistance from someone who can help us make Good Robot Us’s.” 

“Please and thank you.” 

  
  


The angel tilts their head, considering their story. There’s a light that comes overhead, and the gates open. 

_ The one you seek is called Station. Go forth Bill and Ted, and help bring peace. _

Ted blinked, the voice around them and in their head at the same time. 

“Woah.” They breathe, hearing Bill do the same. 

“Thanks dude!” Ted beams, grabbing Bill’s arm. Find this Station guy, and then they could save their family. 

_ You are welcome. As I know you to be respectful, my pronouns are they/she. Feel free to inform people of Earth.  _

“Enby squad! Excellent!” Ted laughs, Bill laughing with them. 

“Party on, God!” He yells as the two of them run through, Death following behind them. 

  
  


They make their way through the crowd of people, hands interlocked. They had God’s blessing, what could stop them now? The three came upon a forum where people were gathered, most crowded around the middle.

“Hey dude, that’s totally Albert Einstein, from science class in school.” Bill points out, nudging Ted’s shoulder with his own. 

“Oh yeah. Hey, Mr Einstein sir, do you know where we can find someone named Station?” They ask, grinning as the man points towards the gathering. “Thanks dude!” 

  
  


They slowly make their way through the crowd to find two small aliens being the centre of attention. 

“Woah, Station is an alien?” Ted ponders aloud, and Bill tilts his head. 

“Well, humans as a species can be most heinous sometimes.” He reasons, and Ted nods. 

“This is true. Excuse me, Station-dudes?” They call, grabbing their attention. “My name is Ted Rufus Theodore Suen, and this is my most esteemed partner Bill S. Preston Esquire. Our family is being threatened by some Evil Robot Us’s, would you do us the most hugest favour of building some Good Robot Us’s so we can protect them?” 

  
  


The two little dudes look at each other for a moment, before looking back up at them. 

“Station!” 

“Excellent!” Bill and Ted say together, both of them grinning. 

“C’mon, let's get out of here.” Bill says, leading the way out of the crowd. 

  
  


Waking up in their bodies again is painful, neither of them can move for a few minutes as they struggle to breathe, and feel their hearts pump in their chests trying to restart blood flow. Death and Station help them up after a few minutes, and they stumble over to the van the Evil Robot Them’s left behind. Ted is still sore, but the sun is starting to set, and they don’t have much time to build Good Robots and make it to the battle of the bands, so they start driving. 

  
  


“Can you call the aunts? Deacon?” They ask, and Bill nods and pulls out his phone. 

“Oof, rip, mine got busted when we fell. Bogus.” Bill sighs, reaching over and grabbing Ted’s phone from their pockets. It’s a little smashed, but much better off with the protective case on it. 

“Hey Mrs Suen, it’s Bill. Have you heard from us at all today? If you have, are you guys alright?” It’s quiet for a few minutes as Bill listens. 

“Okay, cool, cool. Yeah, there is something wrong with us, or at least the us’s that are with the girls. They’re totally Evil Robot Us’s from the future! They killed Ted and I, but we just won our mortality back from Death. We’re heading back into San Dimas now, but we’ll still be a while. Just keep the kids away from those Evil Us’s until we get there, and try and let the girls know if it’s safe to. We love you guys, stay safe. Okay, okay, see ya.” 

  
  


Bill hung up the phone and ran a hand through his hair. 

“Okay, so, the Evil Robot Us’s went to the girls first, and they figured out something was wrong and have been managing to keep them away from the family. They did let your aunts know something was wrong, and they’ve been trying to reach Rufus but no one can get through to him, and you’re the only one with Kelly’s number. I’m gonna try Rufus and if he still isn’t picking up, I’m gonna call Kelly.” He explains, and Ted is finally able to relax a bit. Their family was safe, they just need to keep it that way. 

  
  


There’s no answer from Rufus, and Ted’s getting worried about him now. Rufus has always answered, has always been there, not just for them personally, but any one of the Wyld Stallyns. 

“Kelly! Dude, the most heinous happenings have been going on. Do you… speaker? Okay.” Bill pulls the phone away and puts it on loudspeaker. 

“You’re on, Kel.” 

“Hey dudes. I… I really can’t help you with this one, guys. These timelines are running simultaneously, the future is in flux until this is ended.” 

“Kelly, what about dad? Everyone’s been trying to reach him, even we can’t get through.” Ted asks. 

  
  


There’s silence on the line. 

  
  


“Kelly… what happened?” 

“Dad got lost in the circuits of time.” She chokes out, and Ted’s heart drops into their stomach. 

“W- what? What do you mean?” 

“De Nomolos- the guy who built the Evil Robots- he… he invaded Dad’s class to steal the time machine. Dad tried to stop him, and used a guitar to lasso the machine, and no ones heard from him since. He hasn’t popped up in the past, and he hasn’t made his way back here. He’s gone.” She cries, and Ted’s shaking. Their dad is gone. They pull over on the side of the dirt road, because they can’t see through their tears  _ because their dad is gone. _

  
  


“Hey, hey, we’ll find him.” Bill says firmly, taking Ted’s hand. “Both of you listen to me, we’ll find him. We’ll take care of these Evil Robot Us’s, stop this De Nommy guy, and then we’ll take the phone booth into the circuits of time and find him. It’s gonna be okay. I promise, we won’t stop until we find him.” He squeezes Ted’s hand, and they nod, wiping away their tears with their free hand. 

“Okay. Okay. We can do that.” They say, letting out a long breath. Kelly sniffles over the phone. 

“Thanks guys, now go win that competition, for Dad.” 

“For Rufus.” The two of them say, and Ted pulls onto the road again. 

  
  


“I love you, Kelly. We’ll come see you as soon as we’re done here.” Ted promises. 

“Sounds good guys. I love you too, Ted. Talk soon.” Keys hangs up, and Ted keeps a hold of Bill’s hand while they drive. 

“Station?” Station asks, and Ted hesitates. 

“He’s my dad in all the ways that matter.” They answer. “He was there, he cared, he looked after me, he actually tells me he loves me. If those Evil Us’s did anything to him I’m gonna tear them limb from limb myself, no matter how metal they are.” 

  
  


Station nods, shuffling back to where they were sitting. 

“If it is any comfort, Rufus has not died. I have had no dealings with him.” Death says, and it does surprisingly help. Ted shoots him a small smile in the rear view mirror. 

“Thanks dude.” 

  
  


It’s already dark when they get back to San Dimas, and they hurry Station through the hardware store as the little alien dudes pluck things off the shelves. It’s getting closer and closer to when they’re meant to be performing, and they’re just on the outskirts of town. It’ll still take them a while to get to the arena. They’re loading the supplies into the van when Station runs off, and Ted calls out to them. Death places a hand on their shoulder, and they watch as Station smashes into each other to make a Big Station. 

“Awesome!” Bill grins, before waving them over. “But we gotta go! C’mon Station!” 

“Station!” 

  
  


Ted drives through town, maybe a little recklessly, while Station pulls apart the machines and reconfigures them back together. Bill and Death hand over tools as requested, Ted giving warnings as sharp turns or sudden stops come up. It seems to take forever, but they eventually pull up at the back of the arena, with the Good Robots fully built. 

“Alright Good Robot Us’s, we gotta stop Evil Robot Us’s and protect the family, you got that.” 

“Action: Protect Family. Totally Excellent.” They answer, and Ted can’t help but grin. 

  
  


“Alright, lets go!” 

  
  


Being one of the acts helps them bamboozle security, since they’re meant to be inside already, but they let them pass. Or maybe it’s the two Robots, Station, and Death, a most confusing sight for regular people. Semantics. 

“What’s up buttmunchers! I’m Bill S. Preston Esquire!” 

“And I’m Ted Theodore Logan!” 

“And we’re Wyld Stallyns!” They hear Evil Robot Them’s say, and Good Robot Bill gently pushes the last security guard to the side so the real Bill and Ted can run through. 

“Not so fast! We’re Wyld Stallyns!” Bill and Ted say together

“Guys!” Liz and Jo call in relief. 

  
  


“Nah, we’re Wyld Stallyns!” Evil Robot Them’s say. 

“You guys are totally evil!” Bill snaps. 

“You totally killed us!” Ted continues. Evil Robot Them’s just laugh. 

“Well, duh! We were totally programmed that way!” Evil Bill says, punching Evil Ted’s shoulder. 

“Yeah! And now that you’re alive again, we can totally kill you again!” Evil Ted continues. 

“Excellent!” Evil Bill says. 

“Not excellent! That’s totally bogus!” Bill snaps, which only makes Evil Robot Them’s laugh again. 

  
  


“What are you gonna do? We’re totally metal, dude. Your puny human hands can’t do much against us.” Evil Ted teases, making real Bill and Ted smirk at each other. 

“Presenting, Station’s creation! Good Robot Bill and Ted!” The two friends announce, the Good Robot Them’s crashing through the brick wall behind the stage. 

“Wait, why didn’t they just walk out of the wing?” Ted questions, Bill and Death shrugging. 

  
  


Evil Robot Them’s just stand there, seemingly accepting their fate. 

“Catch you later Bill and Ted!” Real Bill and Ted call. 

“Catch you later Bill and Ted!” Evil Robot Bill and Ted call back, just before their heads are knocked off by the Good Robot Bill and Ted. The Good Robot Them’s punch them through the chest, and the Evil Robot’s bodies explode. 

  
  


Bill and Ted run over to Liz and Jo, the four of them sharing a hug, before pulling away to check on each other. 

“Are you guys okay?” Liz asks, holding onto Ted’s arm. 

“Physically, yes. Everything else… we’ll let you know after this.” They answer, smiling down at her. 

“These guys have been total dicks. That other Bill wanted to call Ted’s dad! Can you believe?!” Jo snaps, her drumsticks clenched in her hands. 

“Unfortunately yes, they were kinda bragging about what they were gonna do before they pushed us off a cliff.” Bill sighs. Ted squeeze’s Jo’s shoulder, before grinning at her. 

“C’mon guys, we’ve got a competition to win!” They laugh, walking forward to pick up their guitar. Bill follows suit, and they get ready to address the crowd before the phone booth lands in the middle of the audience. 

  
  


This huge hulking dude walks out, holding a huge gun. 

“I can’t believe how useless those idiotic robots were.” The man growls, pointing the gun at the two of them. 

“No matter, I’ll soon be-“ 

  
  


_ THWACK! _

  
  


The huge dude is on the floor, and standing over him, holding a now broken pink guitar, looking frazzled but no worse for wear is; 

“Rufus!” Ted cries, jumping off the stage to run over and envelop the man in a hug. “Oh dude! We totally thought you were done for! I’m so glad you’re okay!” They cling on tight, Rufus hugging them back. 

“I’m okay, I’m just lucky De Nomolus came by when he did. Grabbed onto his booth.” He explains, pressing a kiss to the top of Ted’s head. He pulls back, one hand on Ted’s shoulder, the other cupping his face. “Are you kids okay? Are you hurt?” 

“Only emotionally scarred, Rufus, but what else is new?” Bill grins from the stage. Ted laughs, but no one else seems to find it funny. 

  
  


Ted and Rufus head back to the stage, Good Robot Bill and Ted helping them back up. Bill looks up at Ted, and Ted can’t help but to pick him up and kiss him, spinning them around in a hug of pure delight. They did it, they stopped Evil Robot Them’s from hurting their family, they beat Death, they talked to God! When they set him down, Bill is staring at them with a look of awe, eyes sparkling under ruffled hair. 

“Wait, wait, just one more thing before we finally play.” Bill says breathlessly, cupping Ted’s face for a moment before running for the phone booth. 

  
  


“What? Bill!” Ted calls, huffing as Bill continues running. 

“One more thing!” Bill insists, sliding the door shut. The booth disappears, and reappears mere seconds later, Bill running back towards the stage beaming. He looks the same, if way more excited, and leaps back onto the stage with a hand from Rufus. 

“Dude, dude, Ted.” Bill takes a deep breath, taking their hands. “Ted, we have been on some most excellent adventures, and while today’s journey was rather bogus in nature, it was made less so because we were totally in it together dude.” 

  
  


Liz and Jo are holding and shaking their hands excitedly, and the crowd is filling with “Aww”s, but Ted is lost. 

“Ted, my most excellent companion, my esteemed colleague, my best of friends, we have travelled through time together, we have started a band together, we found who we are together, and we totally exploded evil robot clones of ourselves together! And honestly, there is absolutely no one else I’d rather have by my side. You’re my everything, dude.” Bill’s cheeks are bright pink, and Ted’s pretty sure their own cheeks are red judging by the heat in them. 

“D- dude, you-“ Ted stops short as Bill drops to his knees. 

  
  


No, not knees. 

  
  


_ Knee. _

  
  


Bill is kneeling on one knee in front of them and Ted might just pass out. 

  
  


“Ted, babe, I wanna spend my whole life doing crazy things by your side, and I would be totally honoured if you would do the same with me, but like, as my spouse.” Bill laughs, obviously nervous now that he’s said it, and he lets go of one of Ted’s hands to reach into his pocket and pull out a box. Inside is a necklace with a guitar pendant, engraved with a T&B in the style of the Wyld Stallyns logo. Ted can only stare for a moment, and when Bill’s excited face turns nervous at the hesitation, Ted falls to their knees and kisses the fuck out of their boyfr- fiancé.  _ Fiancé. Dude. _

  
  


Ted only pulls back when they absolutely  _ need _ to take a breath, gasping as they lean their forehead against Bill’s and nodding helplessly. Bill laughs, the sound soft and sweet in Ted’s ears as he takes the necklace and secures it around Ted’s neck. 

“How do I look?” Ted asks, beaming at  _ their fiancé. _ Bill looks them up and down, cupping their cheeks as the words get stuck in his throat. 

“Dope.” He manages to choke out, and Ted laughs and kisses him again. 

  
  


Liz and Jo tackle them in a hug, squealing in happiness. They get so caught up in the moment Rufus and Death have to help untangle them from each other. The band finally situates themselves to perform, and Bill and Ted stand in front of the microphones to introduce them all. 

  
  


“Hello San Dimas!” Bill yells, getting a cheer for the crowd. “My name is Bill S. Preston Esquire, and this is my beloved fiancé Ted Rufus Theodore Suen!” More cheering, and Ted laughs as they wrap an arm over Bill’s shoulders and lean over towards the mic. 

“On the drums, we have the fantabulous Joanna! And on the keyboard, the bodacious Elizabeth!” 

“On the bass tonight, we have the master of Death themselves, the Grim Reaper!” 

“Playing congas and bongos, the dude who can make one word sound like anything, Station!” 

  
  


The two of them let the cheering die down for a moment, sharing a grin before they continued. 

“Enbys, ladies, and gents, we’ve been to the past, and we’ve been to the future.” Bill says. 

“We’ve been all around the afterlife.” Ted continues. 

“And you know what?” 

“The best place to be, is here.” 

“The best time to be, is now… and all we can say is…” 

**_“LETS ROCK!”_ **

  
  


~~~ 

  
  


Ted is twenty two when they start experimenting with femininity again. 

  
  


They walk into the office building, drop a scone at Rachel the secretary’s desk (because she always gets hungry around the time of their appointments) and check Dr McKensie is ready for them. Then they walk into their room, place an ice coffee for the doc on the coffee table and slump down into their regular seat with a sigh as they take a frustrated sip of their pink drink. 

  
  


“Well, good morning, Ted.” Doc says, raising an eyebrow at them. 

“Sorry, hey doc. How’s things?” Ted asks, flashing them a small smile. 

“I’m fine, but you seem especially frustrated today. What’s on your mind?” They ask, and Ted groans. 

“I bought a dress.” They sigh, rubbing a hand over their face. 

“Alright, and why did you buy a dress?” 

“I don’t know!” Ted snaps, then winces. “Sorry, sorry. I just- ugh.” 

“Talk it out, Ted. How did you end up buying the dress?” 

  
  


Ted sighs, taking another pouty sip of their drink before talking. 

“I was out with Liz and Abbi, they were helping me look for stuff for the new house. The one Bill and I are buying? Yeah. But we were also just hanging out, so we ended up in one of Abbi’s favourite clothing stores, and we were just looking around, and I saw it. It’s this- this navy coloured sundress with pockets and the top half looks like a button up shirt and it’s got white dots and it’s- it’s  _ pretty. _ It’s so pretty. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. So after I dropped the girls back at their place, I went back and I bought it, then when I got home I shoved the bag in the bottom of the closet because I couldn’t bring myself to look at it. It’s a dress. I hate dresses. Wearing a dress is  _ literally _ my own personal hell. Why would I buy this dress? Just- just because it’s soft and- and pretty and- every time I wore a dress as a kid I felt sick! I don’t- I don’t know why I bought this stupid dress.” 

  
  


Doc listens to them patiently, jotting notes on their pad like they always do. 

“We’ve talked about your… personal hell, as you call it, before. Do you think you can give me a refresher on that, or are you not up to that today?” They ask genuinely, and Ted takes a moment to think. 

“It’s- it’s the policeman’s ball from the day I cut my hair off, but before I did it. With my dad literally pressuring me with his hand on my shoulder, the weight of it all kinda like… manifesting as my hair. Wearing that dumb itchy dress.” They swallow thickly, holding their drink with both hands to avoid the ice from telling their shaking. 

“Every time you talk about this, the dress is always the last thing you mention, an afterthought. Why do you think that is?” 

  
  


Ted frowns, thinking over that thought. They hadn’t really thought about it, but they suppose Doc is right. It is always the last thing on their mind when the issue is brought up, the main feeling of dread is-. 

“Oh. My dad. That’s- that’s the main thing.” They mumble softly, squirming uncomfortably in their seat at the sudden shift in thinking. Doc hums in understanding, giving them a moment to process that. 

“But you are afraid of the dress.” They press after a moment, and Ted looks up, and then back down at their drink. 

“I- yeah.” 

“Why?” 

“I don’t want to be seen as a girl again.” 

  
  


Doc nods, jotting more notes. 

“Ted, you’ve seen me in dresses before, right?” 

“Wh- yeah?” 

“Nail polish and jewellery?” 

“Totally.” 

“Do you think I’m a woman?” 

“What? No way, dude!” 

“Then why do you think you would be seen as one?” 

  
  


Ted blinks, sipping on their drink to avoid the question for a moment. They flick at the plastic lid of the cup, anxiety building in their chest. 

“Because I always was.” They admit, voice small. 

“Your father put a lot of pressure on you to conform to something you’re not.” Doc says. “And from what you’ve told me both today and in the past, it’s clear forcing you to wear dresses was one of the ways he would use to control you. This probably led to you leaning towards the more masculine presentation for a long time. Now that you’ve spent all this time away from him and have been healing, I think you might, at least subconsciously, want to experiment more with your gender presentation now that you feel it’s safe to do so. That doesn’t mean that anything so far has been wrong, it just means you want to try things out. That’s healthy. If you try looking more feminine and don’t like it, that’s okay, you don’t have to go there. If you do like it, that’s okay too. You’ll still be Ted, even if you’re wearing a dress. You’ll just be Ted in a pretty dress.” 

  
  


“Woah.” Ted breathes, blinking slowly as the idea sinks into their brain. “You- you think I should try it on?” They ask, surprised that they actually sound a little hopeful. 

“I think that might be a good idea, yes. If that’s what you want. You can try it by yourself, or someone you trust. Whatever you’re most comfortable with.” Doc answers, smiling at them. 

  
  


It’s not a bad idea. 

  
  


Ted waits until Bill’s out for the day before they dig the bag out from where they’ve hidden it. Anxiety is rolling through their stomach as they pull out the dress and slowly slip it on. It… doesn’t feel itchy, which is good. It’s soft. When they stand in front of the mirror, they don’t see a stranger, it’s just… Ted. 

  
  


Ted in a dress, like doc said. 

  
  


They wear it around for about an hour, before hiding it back in the bottom of the closet. This pattern continues for weeks, waiting until Bill is out before trying the dress on again. Ted knows they should talk to Bill about it, but for now it’s nice to just get used to it by themselves. 

  
  


Bill’s going out with his dad for the day, and Ted breaks out the dress again. As much as they hate it, they have to admit the apartment needs cleaning, so they grab a Van Halen record and blast the music while they clean. The record ends and Ted doesn’t feel like changing, so they switch the record but keep the dress on. 

  
  


Ted’s washing the dishes while Queen’s  _ A Night At The Opera _ album is blasting, when they hear the door open. Ted freezes, not knowing what to do. 

“Hey dude! I brought dinner home!” Bill calls into the apartment, kicking his shoes off. Ted turns around at the sink, drying their hands off and then just gripping the tea towel. “Dude? Where are you?” Bill asks, before turning the corner to the kitchen, arm raised to place a plastic bag on the counter. “Oh.” 

  
  


Ted shrinks into themselves, and Bill blinks at the sight. He places the bag down and walks forward, gently tugging the towel out of Ted’s hands and replacing it with his own hands. 

“Hey, you don’t need to hide from me, babe. What’s going on in that head of yours?” He asks, sincere and gentle. Ted takes a deep breath, interlocking their fingers. 

“I… bought a dress?” 

  
  


“I can see that.” Bill smiles, supportive. “It’s been a while since you’ve worn one.” He rubs his thumb over Ted’s, making them relax more. 

“It was just… really pretty. So I bought it. Then I totally wigged out on Doc. They said I probably wanted to, like, experiment and shit, since I was healing from being away from my dad? So I’ve been- I’ve been trying it out, when you’ve been out of the house.” They explain haltingly, tilting their head forward so their hair hides their face. 

  
  


Bill hums, squeezing Ted’s hands. 

“So do you like it?” He asks, and Ted hesitates before nodding. 

“I- yeah. I’m still, like, me. Just… pretty. In a dress.” Ted says, freezing when Bill lets go of one of their hands. Bill just uses it to push back their hair, resting his hand on the back of their neck. 

“Do you like that? Being pretty?” 

“I- yeah. I think so.” 

“Well  _ I  _ think you are very pretty.” Bill says, making Ted blush. 

“You don’t- you don’t have to-“ 

“Ted.” He interrupts, stroking his thumb over Ted’s neck. “I’ve always been behind you, that’s not gonna change now. You do look very pretty in this dress, most bodacious, babe. I’ve never lied to you before, I’m not gonna start now.” 

  
  


Ted can’t help but grin, their cheeks heating up, and they lean down to kiss their fiancé. Bill kisses back eagerly, pulling them close. The song changes, and Roger Taylor starts singing about his car when Bill pulls back. 

“C’mon, I’ll show you how pretty I think my future spouse is.” He grins, tugging Ted towards the bedroom, and Ted grins back and lets themselves be led. 

  
  


They wear the dress around the house a bit more, this time with Bill around. They even end up buying another dress while the two of them are out shopping together, and Bill loves to tell them how pretty they are. He easily switches back to handsome when the dresses go away. Ted doesn’t know why they’re surprised. Bill has always gotten it right, that’s never changed. 

  
  


“Hey, I think I wanna wear one of the dresses into the studio tomorrow.” Ted says over dinner one night, and Bill smiles at them. 

“Navy or yellow?” 

“Yellow.” 

“I think it needs to be washed, I’ll do a load of laundry so you can wear it.” He says, then tilts his head. “I think the navy one is clean though, if you wanted.” He adds, and Ted blushes. 

“I- uh- had plans for getting that one dirty tonight. If you were up for it.” They admit, quickly shoving another bite into their mouth. Bill grins impishly. 

“Excellent.” 

  
  


Jo greets them as normal the next day, but Liz shakes her head. 

“Ted, sweetie, you can’t wear those shoes with that dress. We’ve got to get you some sandals.” She says, and Ted grins. 

“Yeah, alright.” They agree readily, because they did think wearing their sneakers was a bit bogus, but they didn’t really have anything else. They all end up at Liz and Abbi’s house after recording, Jo and Missy included. 

  
  


The girls offer their shoes for Ted to try on while Missy and Bill order pizza, so they can work out what styles they like privately before walking into a store and getting overwhelmed. Liz even lets them keep a pair they particularly like, saying she doesn’t wear them much, and Ted hugs her close and kisses her cheek. 

  
  


Bill and Ted win the rock off to pick the movie for the night, and they end up watching the Sonic movie. Abbi’s on their side with the pick, but the princesses throw m&m’s at them. Ted feels most mature as they stick their tongue out at their friends. The pizza arrives, and they finish eating just as the movie ends. Liz and Abbi get the next pick, so Liz pulls up Legally Blonde. 

  
  


Missy breaks out a box during this movie, pulling Abbi’s hands into her lap and painting her nails. She does Jo’s next, and both times Bill is watching the interactions closely. Missy notices and grins, picking up a bottle of black polish. 

“You want the next go, Bill?” She asks, and he nods. He’s quiet the whole time Missy does his nails, just watching the polish cover his fingers. He stares at his hands until they’re dry, then holds them up to Ted. 

“Dude…” he says quietly, a shy smile on his face as he meets Ted’s eyes. “This is…” 

“Most bodacious, my future husband.” Ted says with a grin, which Bill returns. 

  
  


He seems to want to ask something, so Ted nudges his shoulder gently. 

“Can I paint your nails?” He asks quietly, looking a little nervous. Ted doesn’t hate the idea, actually, they kinda like it, so they hold out their hands with a nod. 

“Sure, dude.” They say, and Bill beams. He chooses a pale blue colour and gets to work. He’s careful, his hands steady from years of drawing and painting. Ted watches him with a smile. They get it, all of a sudden, the reason it’s so easy for Bill to always take everything in stride. They would do anything for Bill, and this small part of himself that’s suddenly opened up over a movie night isn’t anything new, it’s just more reasons to love him. 

  
  


Bill looks up at them when he’s finished, nervously awaiting the verdict. Ted makes sure to keep their hands on Bill’s knees as they lean over to kiss him so the polish doesn’t smudge. 

“Perfect.” They whisper as they part, and Bill looks so happy they can’t help but kiss him again. 

  
  


Ted shows up at their next therapy session in a new red dress and black painted nails, a bright grin on their face. 

  
  


~~~

  
  


Ted is twenty five when they fall in love again. 

  
  


There’s a Spotify playlist of all Bill and Ted’s favourite songs playing on shuffle, Bill is working on a canvas while Ted reads some comics. The upstairs room has large windows overlooking the backyard, letting in lots of natural light and making it perfect for an art studio. Releasing two albums and going on two tours in just four years was a lot of work, and the band was taking a well deserved break. 

  
  


Ted’s phone rings, breaking the stillness of the moment. They pause the music and answer when they see who it is. 

“How’s it hanging, Aunt Riley?” 

“Hey sweetie! How are you doing?” 

“Pretty great, Bill and I are just hanging out in the art studio.” 

“Hey mum in law!” 

“Hey Bill! Look, I hate to do this when you’ve only been home for a few weeks, but could we ask a favour of you guys?” 

“Anything, what do you need?” 

“Elisa and I have taken in some kids for an emergency placement until she can find them somewhere permanent. The girls aren’t school age yet, so I was wondering if you guys would be willing to come over and give us a hand for a few days? Just so we can do school drop off and Elisa isn’t watching two girls by herself all day while I’m at work.” 

“We’d be happy to help out.” Ted answers easily, glancing up at Bill who just gives them a thumbs up. 

“We’ll pick up some dinner and come over tonight after we’ve gotten some stuff together.” Bill continues, and Ted loves him so much. 

“Oh, you guys are the best. Thank you so much!” 

“Hey, anything for you, Aunt Riley.” 

“I love you, see you tonight!” 

“Love you too!” 

  
  


Ted turns the music back on, standing and pressing a kiss to Bill’s forehead. 

“You finish up and I’ll start packing. Thanks, babe.” They smile, and Bill rolls his eyes. 

“They’re family, you don’t need to thank me.” He reminds them, leaning up for a proper kiss, which Ted willing gives. “I’ll try not to be too long.” He says, and Ted squeezes his shoulder. 

“Don’t worry too much, it’s still early and they’re not expecting us until dinner.” 

“Oh, neat. Still.” 

“Just paint, I’ll let you know the time.” 

“Thanks babe.” 

  
  


Ted grabs some bags and throws in a week’s worth of clothes for them both. Finds their chargers and laptops and puts them away as well, and lastly packs their guitars into cases. They go back upstairs to watch Bill paint for a few hours, until he actually finishes. 

“Do you think she’ll like it?” He asks, gathering his brushes to wash them. 

“You didn’t tell me it was for someone.” 

“Oh, well, we were touring for Taylor’s birthday, so I thought I’d make her something now that we’ve got some downtime.” He explains, and Ted nods. 

  
  


The band had made a few TV appearances over the last few years to promote their albums and tours, and they’d made friends with lots of other artists through these events. Ted still thinks about Elton John approaching  _ them _ to say  _ he _ liked  _ their _ music. Taylor Swift had also been absolutely lovely when they had run into her, and the whole band had become fast friends with her. 

“I think she’ll love it.” They answer, smiling over at their husband. Bill grins and turns back to washing his brushes. 

  
  


Ted pushes him into the shower, because he’s covered in paint and  _ they still have time, Bill, just scrub the paint off. _ They change out of their lazy day clothes, throwing on a dress and leggings, guitar pendant and wedding ring hanging from the same chain around their neck. Bill smiles as he comes out of the shower, kissing their shoulder as he passes by to grab his clothes. 

  
  


They pick up Chinese on their way in, and Ted grins as they open the door to their old home and the familiar chaotic noise. 

“Hey guys!” They call, grinning even wider as they hear  _ Ted’s home! _ coming from two directions. They hand Bill the bag of food just before their arms are filled with teenagers, Ted laughing as they hug their siblings. 

“Hey guys, I love you but you’re not kids anymore, I can’t carry you into the kitchen.” They grin, huffing as Ash just leans more into them. 

“Dude.” 

“You asked for it.” 

“I specifically asked for the opposite.” 

“And that’s why you’re getting this.” 

“I swear I wasn’t this much of a brat at your age.” 

“At my age you were traumatised from your shitty dad and afraid of upsetting anyone.” 

“Okay, for that I’m eating your fortune cookie.” 

“Yeah, I deserve that.” 

  
  


Ted pushes her off with a laugh, ruffling Alex’s hair. 

“And how’s life treating you, little dude?” They ask, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. 

“Ugh, school is the worst. Can I steal Rufus for my history report?” He huffs. 

“I’m okay with that, but you’ll have to okay with your mums. Hey Aunt Riley!” 

“Hello, sweetie.” Aunt Riley pulls them down to kiss their cheek. “Thank you so much for coming. Elisa and the girls are in the living room if you want to join them, the rest of us can organise dinner together.” 

“Sure thing. Hey, what are their names?” Ted asks, which makes Ash and Alex laugh. “What?” 

  
  


“You won’t believe it.” Alex grins, while Aunt Riley shoo’s him to the other side of the kitchen. 

“Their names are Wilhelmina and Theodora.” She says, both Bill and Ted freezing. 

“No way.” They say together. 

“Yes way!” Ash laughs, before knocking Ted’s shoulder. “Now get going, you lug.” 

“Brat.” They part good naturedly, heading for the living room. 

  
  


There are two small girls in the room with Aunt Elisa, only looking about three or four. Blonde and brunette, just like them and Bill too. There’s crayons scattered over the coffee table and the brunette is chatting about animals. 

“Hey, what are you guys up to?” They ask, smiling at the group. They all look up, Aunt Elisa smiling back. 

“Hello Ted, we’re doing some colouring, and Billie here was telling us about a zoo trip she went on.” She answered. 

“That sounds awesome, can I join you guys?” They ask, wanting the kids to be comfortable. 

“Is your favourite colour purple?” Billie asks, and Ted shakes their head. 

“Nope, I like orange.” 

“Hm, okay. Thea’s favourite colour is purple so she gets to use the purple crayons.” 

“Sounds fair.” 

  
  


They sat on the floor at the coffee table, grabbing one of the discarded books and flipping to a new page. 

“I’m Ted, it’s nice to meet you guys. Elisa said you were Billie, right? So you must be Thea.” They said, smiling at the girls as they talked about them. Thea looked up at them and nodded, but didn’t speak. 

“Yeah, that’s right. Isn’t Ted a boys name? Why’re you wearing a dress?” Billie asks, and Ted shrugs. 

“Because I like it, and it doesn’t have to be a boys name. It’s just a name.” 

“Oh… okay then. What’s your necklace for?” 

“This is what my husband gave me when he asked me to marry him, and this one is our wedding ring. I don’t like having things on my fingers, so I wear it on this necklace so I still always have it with me.” 

  
  


Billie’s eyes go wide. 

“Woah, you’re married? Does that mean you’re old?” She asks, and Ted laughs. 

“I suppose so. Do you think twenty five is old?” 

“Umm… yeah.” 

“Then I guess I’m old!” Ted grins. Aunt Elisa chuckles, smiling when they glance at her. 

“Woah, Thea, your colouring is most bodacious! You have excellent skills.” They compliment the little blonde. She looks up at them and just nods again. 

“Thea doesn’t wanna say stuff right now.” Billie says, defensive, and Ted’s heart  _ hurts _ that she’s already had to learn that. 

“That’s okay.” They answer, shrugging to emphasise to them it’s no big deal. “I lost my mummy when I was little, I know losing your family is confusing and scary. I only spoke to my best friend and my little brother for weeks.” 

  
  


Thea and Billie are both staring at them, and Ted glances at Aunt Elisa, worried they did something wrong. Thea gets up and moves her colouring book next to them, sitting with their knees touching. Ted smiles down at her, offering her a blue crayon, which she takes. They all go back to colouring, Billie resuming her story about the zoo. 

  
  


Bill walks in not long after, balancing four bowls in his hands. 

“What’s up, babes?” He greets them, Ted tilting their head back to grin at him. 

“Just doing some most awesome colouring, and you?” 

“I come bearing dinner.” He answers, lowering the hand holding two bowls to place them on the table. “We weren’t sure what you little dudes would like, so we got some fried rice and honey chicken for you. I hope that’s okay.” He continues, placing two plastic bowls in front of the girls. 

“I like rice.” Billie says, picking up the pink fork in the bowl. “I’m Billie, what’s your name?” 

“No way! My name is totally Bill!” He grins, sitting beside Ted as the others come in with their own food. 

  
  


Billie laughs, delighted. 

“You have my boy name!” She beams, pointing at him, and Bill laughs with her. 

“I totally do, don’t I? I guess that means we’re destined to be friends.” 

“But not bestest friends, because Thea is my bestest friend.” 

“That’s okay, Ted is my best friend.” He says, accepting his own bowl of food from Ash. “Thanks dude. I am right in thinking this little blondie next to Ted is Thea?” 

“You are most correct, dear husband. She’s not up to talking much, though.” 

“That’s okay, it’s time to eat anyway!” 

  
  


The girls end up sticky from the honey and covered in bits of rice. Aunt Elisa tries to take them for a bath, but Thea silently refuses. She stays next to Ted, only moving when they get up to put the plates away. Ted’s mouth forms an ‘O’ of understanding, and they kneel down to her level. 

“Would you get in the bath if I went with you guys?” They ask, and Thea nods. They offer their hand, and Thea takes it, making Ted pull a face. “You are most sticky, little dude.” They tease, and Ted grins as Thea actually cracks a smile at that. 

  
  


Ted helps Aunt Elisa wash the two girls and put them into some pyjamas, Thea still sticking to their side while not actively touching. The girls get Deacon’s old room, with Deacon in New York for university. Ted and Bill read them stories until they fall asleep, leaving the door open so they can hear if they wake up during the night. They spend a few hours watching movies with Ash and Alex, telling stories they missed about school or touring, before heading to bed themselves. 

  
  


In the morning they make breakfast for everyone while the older kids get ready for school. Thea still wants to stick by Ted’s side, but they worry with the hustle and bustle of the morning. 

“Hey, I’m most happy to keep hanging out, little dude. But kitchens can be dangerous, I don’t want something to get dropped or spilt on you, okay? Can I put you on one of the kitchen stools? That way we can still be in the same room and we don’t have to worry about me spilling oatmeal in your hair.” Ted explains, smiling as Thea nods. “Awesome, and up we go.” They say as they lift the girl onto the tall seat. “If you want me and I’m facing the other way just knock on the bench, alright?” 

  
  


Aunt Riley, Ash and Alex head out the door twenty minutes later, Billie and Thea still eating their oatmeal and getting steadily messier. 

“Where’re they going?” Billie asks, trying to pick up a strawberry with her spoon. 

“Ash and Alex are going to school, and Aunt Riley is going to work.” Bill answers. 

“If you’re old don’t you have to go to work.” Billie asks. Bill scrunches up his face in distaste. 

“Bogus, who said we’re old?” 

“Ted.” 

“What?” Bill turns to them, an exaggerated look of betrayal on his face that makes Billie laugh. 

“That’s not what I said.” Ted says, gesturing his spoon at Billie. “Well, maybe it is. She asked if being married meant I was old, I asked her if she thought twenty five was old and she said yes.” 

“Bogus, dude.” 

“Oh no, a toddler thinks you’re old. It’s the end of the world.” 

  
  


Bill sticks his tongue out at them, making Billie laugh and Thea smile. They finish breakfast and clean the girls off, before helping them get dressed for the day. They spend a while doing the girls hair, at least Ted does, since Thea seems to like having her hair played with. Bill and Billie move onto colouring while Ted changes Thea’s hair for the fourth time. When Thea is finally happy with her hair, Ted checks in with Aunt Elisa and they walk the girls to the park. 

  
  


After Bill catches Thea from falling off the monkey bars, she’s more inclined to go between them. She still stays close, but it’s no longer to just Ted. The girls wear themselves out, and are completely asleep in Bill and Ted’s arms less than halfway home. They lay the kids in Deacon’s bed, leaving the door open to hear if they wake up. 

  
  


Ted knocks on Aunt Elisa’s office door, poking their head in and waiting patiently until she gets off the phone. 

“Hey Ted, I’m sorry to leave you with the girls all morning.” She smiles up at them, Ted shrugging as they sit in a spare seat. 

“It’s what we’re here for. You need to work if you wanna find ‘em a good place.” They assure her easily, pausing for a beat before asking their question. “Thea… is she okay? Anything I need to know while I’m watching her?” They ask, crossing their arms. Aunt Elisa sighs, running a hand through her hair. 

“Thea was in the car when the crash happened and killed their mothers.” She said quietly, Ted sucking in a breath through their teeth. 

“Mothers?” 

“They’re technically cousins, they were picking Billie up from a swimming lesson.” 

“Poor things.”

  
  


Aunt Elisa nods, tapping on her desk for a minute. 

“I want to try and keep them together, and Thea’s going to need therapy, so it’s going to take a while before I can find them somewhere good.” 

“We’ll be here as long as you need us. Not like we have anything better to do.” They smile, standing and pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Bill and I were about to make some lunch, anything you want?” 

“I’m sure whatever you guys make will be great. Thank you, Ted.” 

“Hey, what’s family for?” They say, squeezing her shoulder before heading back to Bill in the kitchen. 

  
  


They muck around while they make lunch together, play fighting and giggling and sharing kisses. They’ve been lazy since coming back from tour, and it’s nice to actually cook in a kitchen again. Especially the kitchen where they both learned to cook, there’s something homey about it. The girls wake just as they’re finishing up, and the five of them eat together. 

  
  


Bill and Ted teach the girls some basic go fish, happily teaming up to help them with the numbers. They pass the time like that until everyone else gets home, when they turn on a cartoon for all the kids to watch while Aunt Riley prepares dinner. Ted and Aunt Elisa give the girls a bath after dinner, after which Bill and Ted play them some soft songs on their guitars until they fall asleep. 

  
  


This continues for a few days, Bill and Ted looking after the girls during the day and hanging with the family after they’ve gone to sleep. It’s not perfect, the girls are three and just lost their families, but they both know what it’s like to lose family at a young age. Patience is the easiest thing to give them when the girls end up crying or throwing fits in anger. They learn Billie likes to be cuddled after, and Thea just wants her hair played with. The girls love when they play music, and being pushed on the swings. They both hate oranges, and while Thea will only eat green apples, Billie will only eat red ones. 

  
  


Ted is tucking Billie in for the night, smiling down at her as Bill tucks Thea in, both girls exhausted since they had let them have extra time at the park today. Ted watches Bill push Thea’s hair back, and their heart warms in their chest, a familiar feeling from the last few days, but it suddenly hits them what it means.  _ I love them. _ They love these two little girls so damn much. The two leave the room quietly as to not wake the sleeping kids, and Ted grabs Bill’s hand as he turns to head back to the living room. 

“Can we talk?” They ask softly, and Bill squeezes their hand with a nod. 

  
  


Ted leads him into their room, running a hand through their hair as they try to figure out how to start this conversation. They had talked about kids in the past, leading up to the wedding. Biological was off the table, no way Ted could handle that, and anything else had just been too unsure and abstract. They had decided on not having kids, mainly because of Ted. Bill had really liked the idea of being a dad, but he understood their hesitance. But this… this was different. This wasn’t an abstract concept. These were two little girls who needed a family and they were  _ right here. _

  
  


Ted’s thoughts are cut off as Bill pulls himself in for a hug, burying his face in Ted’s chest and wrapping his arms around their middle. Ted hugs him back, one hand in his hair, sighing. 

“Ted, my wonderful spouse, I know we said that we wouldn’t have kids, but I feel like circumstances have changed.” Bill says softly, and Ted can’t help their relieved laughter. 

“Oh, dude. I was totally gonna say the same thing.” They confess, cupping Bill’s cheek as he pulls back to look Ted in the face. 

“Real shit?” 

“Real shit, babe. I totally love them, dude. Which probably seems crazy because it’s only been a few days but-“ 

“It’s not crazy!” Bill grins, covering Ted’s hand with one of his own. “I totally get it, I love them too.” 

  
  


Bill presses a kiss to Ted’s palm, pulling them closer. 

“Are you sure about this?” He asks quietly, looking back up at them. Ted nods, stroking their thumb over Bill’s cheek. 

“I am. I’m sure. I didn’t… I didn’t know, before, how different it could be. I already feel like I’d do anything for those girls.” They say, and Bill nods his understanding. He pulls them down for a kiss, Ted eagerly returning the gesture. Their heart leaps in their chest when they pull away and see just how gleeful Bill looks. Bill had always wanted to be a dad, and Ted’s grateful they get to share this with him, even if the circumstances of them meeting the girls weren’t the best. 

  
  


Hands linked, they walk down to Aunt Elisa’s office. She looks up from her laptop as they open the door and smiles at them. 

“Hey, the girls asleep?” She asks, Ted nodding. 

“Yeah, yeah. The girls are sleeping. We… we wanted to talk about them.” They say, squeezing Bill’s hand. 

“Are they okay?” She frowns, Bill quickly raising his hand to reassure her. 

“Totally, they’re fine. We just wanted to know if you’d found a place for them yet.” 

“Unfortunately not, I’m sorry guys. I know it’s been a lot to deal with, and if you need a break-“ 

“No, that’s not-“ Ted interrupts, then takes a breath. “What would Bill and I have to do to take them in?” They ask. 

  
  


Aunt Elisa blinks, a slow smile taking over her face. 

“You want to take the girls?” 

“We do.” Bill answers, firm and honest. She beams at them, gesturing for them to sit while she pulls out some papers. She explains about fostering credentials, house inspections, background checks, a dedicated social worker to their case. They both nod along, taking in everything they can as it’s explained to them. Ted’s head is almost spinning by the end of the conversation. They take the forms and information she gives them, filling them out at the kitchen table and confirming information with each other. Aunt Elisa takes the forms when they’re done, promising to make sure the process gets started tomorrow. 

  
  


They’re giggling as they get ready for bed together. They’ll have to talk to the girls tomorrow, but it’s still exciting. The prospect of taking the kids home, looking after the girls forever. Ted picks up their phone to put it on charge, blinking at the notifications on the screen. 

“Huh. Bill you might wanna check the band chat.” 

  
  


future man has joined the chat 

future man: are you kids all okay? There’s been a shift in the timeline and we haven’t been able to determine the source yet 

queen shit: Abbi and I are chill 

jojos bizarre adventure: Missy and me do jus be chilling doe 

genji fan: so I guess it’s the guys? 

Missy✨: I hope they’re okay

jojos bizarre adventure: hey broskis u good 

queen shit: tedddd

queen shit: billllllll 

genji fan: where r u ur always on when ur dad is 

jojos bizarre adventure: oh shit they are 

jojos bizarre adventure: maybe smth did happen 

Missy✨: you have two minutes to answer or we’re heading to your place 

queen shit: aren’t they staying at the Suen’s for a while?? 

Missy✨: then we’ll go there 

jojos bizarre adventure: WHERE ARE YOU 

check please: CHILL 

queen shit: oh thank god

ted talk: we’re fine!!! 

check please: nothing happened, we’re just hanging out 

future man: are you sure? There’s been a major shift in time and I want to make sure you’re okay. 

ted talk: dad, we’re fine. Just busy for a few minutes. 

future man: I might come see you in the morning, just in case 

check please: I dunno if tomorrow is a good time 

future man: so there IS something happening 

check please: OH…. my god 

check please: Rufus 

check please: we’re BUSY 

check please: not dying 

ted talk: okay, so technically something is happening, but it’s not the kind of news we were planning on sharing over text 

ted talk: but we’re fine, nothing is wrong, we’ll let you know what’s going on when we’re ready

future man: are you sure?? 

check please: we’re sure

queen shit: then what tf have you been doing 

ted talk: I just said we’d tell you when we’re ready 

jojos bizarre adventure: seems sus 

check please: we’re not being sus!!! 

genji fan: ur absolutely being sus 

ted talk: abbi I s2g 

future man: maybe I’ll swing round anyway 

check please: please do not 

Missy✨: why? We’re just worried about you guys 

ted talk: you know what 

check please: fine 

ted talk: we said we were gonna tell you in person 

check please: but you’re all nosy fucks 

ted talk: so here we go 

check please: we just started the process to adopt some kids 

queen shit: AAAAAAAAAAA 

genji fan: NDNSJXJSKZJJWBSBS 

genji fan: BABIES????? 

check please: they’re both three but yeah 🥺💖 

jojos bizarre adventure: OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU GUYS!!!!!!! 

Missy✨: !!!!! I’m so happy for you guys!!! 

future man: you’re adopting kids??

ted talk: we just filled out the forms for foster parent courses at the table a few minutes ago

ted talk: oh shit hang on 

ted talk added jelly kelly 

ted talk: @jelly kelly I didn’t think it was fair everyone else knew and you didn’t 

jelly kelly: OMG DUDE NO WAY!!!! 

check please: YES WAY!!! WE’RE ADOPTING THE CUTEST LITTLE BABES 🥰🥰🥰 

jelly kelly: aaaa!!! 

queen shit: you know who the kids are already?? 

ted talk: Aunt Riley and Elisa took them for an emergency placement, which is why we’ve been over here to help out, and we totally fell in love with them dude 🥺 

check please: JDJSKXISJAKIS

check please: GUESS WHAT THEIR FUCKING NAMES ARE 

jojos bizarre adventure: idk Bill and Ted lmao 

check please: YEAH

jojos bizarre adventure: WAIT WHAT 

ted talk: their names are Theodora and Wilhelmina, but they go by Billie and Thea, and I can’t believe I didn’t think of Thea as a kid wtf 

check please: nah, you wouldn’t have suited thea

ted talk: hmm, maybe so

check please: nine year old bill would never have thought to change Thea to Ted so then where would we be 

ted talk: I probably still would have thought of Ted 

check please: but maybe u wldnt have a positive association with it and wld have picked smth totally different like fucking uhhh charlie…. or keanu

genji fan: all the names in the world and you chose Charlie and Keanu?? 

check please: the only other gender neutral names I cld think of off the top of my head we’re Riley and Alex which uhhh 

check please: taken 

queen shit: JSJSJSJJSJS 

jelly kelly: valid 

ted talk: Wait Wait I just had a Thought 

jojos bizarre adventure: a miracle 

ted talk: shut up I hate u 

ted talk: Abbi,,, which genji are you a fan of 

genji fan: animal crossing rabbit 🥺 

ted talk: hang on a sec 

genji fan: omg 😳 

ted talk: okay deacon says u have taste 

genji fan: JDJSJXJSJJS

genji fan: ofc I have taste I’m a lesbian 

jelly kelly: oh fucking worm? fucking worms? 

genji fan: Speaking Of Taste tedalicious can I break into ur place and borrow that red Hawaiian shirt of urs pwease 🥺😘✌️ 

ted talk: rip I wore it today 

genji fan: big oof

ted talk: you also might have to fight Thea for it in the future lmao she loved it 

ted talk: but my green one with the flowers and my purple one with the surfboards and my blue one with the penguins are all clean and at my place if you want any of those

genji fan: ooh might steal the green one 

ted talk: cool leave ur gold dress in exchange 

genji fan: will do

check please: Ted what did I do 

ted talk: what 

ted talk: oh wait I remember xjjsjdjsjsj 

ted talk: leave the purple dress instead 

genji fan: ??? Okay??? 

ted talk: you don’t wanna know 

queen shit: I do 

ted talk: no 

jelly kelly: I do 

ted talk: especially no 

Missy✨: 👀 

check please: ESPECIALLY no 

genji fan: I’m so confused 

jojos bizarre adventure: oh my god Bill finds Ted super hot in the gold dress but he can’t fuck them in it bc it’s Abbi’s 

Missy✨: you were right I didn’t want to know 

ted talk: WE TOLD YOU 

check please: YOU’RE ALL NOSY FUCKERS 

future man: right I’m gonna sign off now I know you kids are okay 

ted talk: LOOK WHAT YOU DID JO 

jojos bizarre adventure: they weren’t gonna stop lol 

future man: we’ll talk soon, yeah? 

ted talk: yes!!!! We’ll set up a day you can meet ur grandkids after we’ve 1. Actually adopted them and 2. They’ve settled in a bit!!!!! 

check please: same goes for the rest of you

check please: it will be a WHILE bc we literally JUST filled out the forms for CLASSES if you bother us I WILL tell you more things I find sexy about Ted 

check please: except you mum lmao I might actually die 

Missy✨: same 

jelly kelly: love you guys, keep us updated, yeah? 

ted talk: will do sis!! Love you too!! 

future man: later dudes! 

check please: later dude! 

ted talk: bye dad!!! 

future man has left the chat

jelly kelly: okay now that dad’s gone someone send me a pic of the gold dress and I can recreate it 👀 

check please: HDBDHDJJSJS KELLY PLEASE 

genji fan: [image] 

jelly kelly: Excellent, I’ll send it to you guys when it’s ready 👌 

ted talk: kelly w h y 

jelly kelly: ur about to adopt kids get laid while you can 

ted talk: K E L L Y 

jelly kelly: see ya later! 

jelly kelly has left the chat

ted talk: someone murder me 

queen shit: omw 

  
  


Later, in the middle of the night, Ted left the room to grab some water. Something made them pause outside the girls semi open door, and after straining for a moment they heard the sound again. Quiet gasping and hitched breaths, indicating crying. Ted’s heart clenched and they pushed the door open fully, stepping into the room. Thea gasped as she saw them, covering her mouth like she was trying to stifle the sounds. 

“Oh, baby, no, it’s okay.” Ted whispered, crossing the room in two steps and kneeling on the floor next to the bed, knowing she didn’t like to be touched. “It’s okay, you don’t need to hide it. You cry if you need to, okay?” 

  
  


To Ted’s surprise, Thea launches herself at them, her tiny arms wrapping around their neck as she cries into their shoulder. Ted hugs her close easily, rubbing a hand up and down her back as they left the room to let Billie sleep. They turn on a lamp in the living room to make some light, then paces around the room and let Thea cry it out. They spoke softly to her, telling her it was going to be okay, she was safe, she could take as long as she needed. By the time she starts to settle Ted had no idea what time it was, having just been trying to keep her feeling safe. 

“Hey, sweetie, there we go. I’ve got you. Let’s get you some water, huh? We’ll put the water in your little drink bottle, hm, so you can carry it around. There we go, baby. Are you feeling any better?” 

  
  


Thea shrugged slightly, holding the drink bottle against her chest. 

“Yeah, it can be a bit like that after a big cry. Drink some of that water, I don’t want you to get sick, okay?” They tucked her hair back, smiling down at her as she sipped on the water. “Thanks for listening, little dude. I know you’re not much for talking, can I try and guess what happened?” A nod. “Okay, you probably had a bad dream, right?” Another nod. “Was it about the crash?” More nodding, and more tears. 

  
  


“I’m sorry, Thea. I can’t imagine how scary that must have been for you. I think you’re so brave. I know it really hurts right now, and that’s okay, but it won’t hurt forever. You’ve still got Billie, and I know it’s not the same, but you’re so brave, I know you’ll make it through this.” Ted rubs her back as they sway from side to side. Thea reaches her hand out and taps their chest, looking up at them. “Yeah, what’s up, honey?” They ask, only for Thea to tap more insistently at their chest. Ted thinks for a moment before frowning slightly. “Are… you asking if you’ll have me?” They ask, Thea nodding. It takes everything Ted has not to burst into tears. “Yeah, yeah baby, I’ll be here too. I’ll be here.” 

  
  


They make sure Thea has some more water before turning the lamp off in the living room and heading back to the bedrooms. Hesitating outside the door, Ted glances down at Thea. 

“Do you want to go back in with Billie, or do you want to sleep with me and Bill?” They whisper, and Thea grabs onto their shirt to answer. “Alright, kiddo. Sounds good.” They leave the door open behind them, carefully pulling back the blankets and climbing into bed with the toddler in their arms. 

“Ngh, Te’?” Bill mumbles sleepily, and they can’t help but smile at the sound. 

“Yeah, it’s me. Thea too.” They answer softly, settling and pulling the covers back on. 

  
  


Bill squints his eyes open, scooting closer and wrapping an arm around Ted’s waist. 

“Whazits?” He mumbles, and Ted holds back a snort. 

“I had a bad dream and needed someone brave to help me out.” They say, resting their free hand over Bill’s arm. 

“Hn, bogus.” 

“I know, go back to sleep, babe.” They say softly. They wait until both Thea and Bill are asleep again before letting themselves nod off. 

  
  


The two of them sit down with the girls after lunch the next day, the grown ups on the floor with the kids on the couch. 

“Alright, so, do you guys understand why you’re staying with Riley and Elisa?” Bill asks, Thea shrugging. 

“It’s like, so, Miss Elisa is looking for a new home for us and when she finds it we go there but they take us because we are too little to stay with just us.” Billie answers, Thea nodding along to her answer. 

“That’s right, and do you know why Ted and I are here?” 

“That’s ‘cause Miss Riley has to go to work and Miss Elisa is looking for our new house so you make us lunch and take us to the park.” Billie says, Thea miming brushing her hair. “And brush our hair.” She adds. Ted grins at the explanation, holding back a laugh. 

“So, since Bill and I are here looking after you, do you realise we have our own house?” They ask, both girls looking at them in confusion. 

  
  


“You don’t live here?” Billie asks. 

“No, honey. We’re staying here to look after you because Riley and Elisa are my aunties and we wanted to help our family. Our home isn’t far from here, but it’s a different house.” Ted explains, both girls nodding as they process that. 

“So, what we wanted to ask was…” Bill pauses, reaching over and taking Ted’s hand. “If you girls wanted to stay with us.” 

“Stay at your house until Miss Elisa finds us somewhere?” Billie asks with a frown, both adults shaking their heads. 

“No, as your new home.” Ted says, swallowing thickly and squeezing Bill’s hand tight. 

“We don’t want to replace your mummies, we know we can’t do that, and that you’ll always love them.” Bill says. 

“But, and only if you wanted, we would love for you guys to come live with us.” Ted finishes. 

  
  


Thea starts making circles with her fingers, obviously trying to say something. 

“I’m not sure what that means, honey. Can you try again?” Ted asks, Thea frowning. She holds up four fingers, and Ted ponders for a moment. “Four, four, four… oh, forever?” They ask, Thea nodding sharply. “You want to know if we mean forever?” Nod. 

“We do.” Bill answers, smiling at the two girls. “We’d like you to stay with us forever.” 

  
  


Thea beams, jumping off the couch to throw herself into Bill’s arms while the man laughs at the sudden action, releasing Ted’s hand to hold her close. Billie is frowning where she sits, and Ted reaches over to take her hand. 

“What are you thinking, sweetie?” They ask softly, and Billie’s eyes fill with tears. 

“What about my mummy?” She whimpers, and Ted’s heart breaks for her. 

“Oh, honey… your mummy loves you very, very much, but she… she can’t come back, she can’t look after you anymore. I know you love her too, and not having her around hurts…  _ a lot. _ We aren’t trying to pretend she doesn’t matter, because she matters a lot. We just… we want to give you somewhere new you can call home, we wanna look after you and keep you safe now that your mummy can’t. Would that be okay?” 

  
  


Billie climbs onto their lap, still crying a little but nodding. Ted hugs her tightly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, and instantly understanding why the parental figures in their life like doing so to them. They look over at Bill still hugging Thea, moving closer so they could wrap an arm around the two of them. 

“You kids are something special.” Ted says quietly, smiling at the two girls. Thea smiles back from Bill’s shoulder, and Billie grips onto their shirt in reply. 


	3. Adulting

Ted is twenty seven when their kids start school. 

  
  


Ted doesn’t really know what to do with themselves anymore. Before their days had been filled with looking after the girls, running errands on the two days they were at daycare, and running around with Bill trying to keep the house tidy. Now… 

  
  


Now there’s so much time, and not much to do. 

  
  


They still write music, and show up to band rehearsal, but they aren’t due to start recording again for a few months still. Bill finds them laying on the floor one day listening to a playlist of Phineas and Ferb songs, and lays down next to them, linking their hands together. The two of them lay there and listen to music like they would when they were kids, Bill rubbing his thumb over the back of Ted’s hand. 

  
  


“I miss them.” Ted sighs eventually, Bill squeezing their hand. 

“I know, babe. I miss ‘em too. We just need to get back into a routine, I think. Maybe we can have more band writing sessions, or post some covers on YouTube like we used to.” He says, and Ted thinks he’s so smart. 

“You’re so smart, Bill.” They tell him, Bill laughing and rolling over so he was half on top of Ted. 

“You wanna go out for lunch? We can ask the girls to tag along, or we could make it a date.” 

“Oh dude, let’s go on a date. I can’t remember the last time we went on a date.” 

“Two nights before they approved us for adoption.” Bill deadpans, and Ted laughs and kisses him. 

  
  


~~~ 

  
  


Ted is twenty nine when the Wyld Stallyns plan on touring again. 

  
  


They’ve hired tutors and nannies to travel around with them so the girls can keep their grades up and can be watched when they have to sound check and play. All of their therapists are ready to switch to online sessions, every venue is booked and tickets are already selling out in some places. 

  
  


The last thing Ted is worried about is Thea on the tour bus. 

  
  


Thea had severe anxiety getting into cars when they first met her. While she’s gotten better over the years, it still occasionally pops up. They think being stuck in a really big car for such a long time could bring that out. Bill’s thinking the same thing, so they bring it up with her therapist before her next session. 

  
  


The solution seems almost too simple. Practise. 

  
  


So they rent an RV, load up the two seven year olds, and Bill’s dad, and head off for a week’s vacation. 

  
  


Thea does freak out on day three of the trip, but they deal with it together. Panic attacks are no stranger to Bill and Ted, and they’re able to help their baby girl through it just like they always have before. She spends the rest of the trip non-verbal, but that’s okay. It’s why they all learnt sign language, so she could communicate with the family when that happens. 

  
  


Thea comes back from vacation excited. She confesses in the quiet of the night that she had been scared about the bus, but it hadn’t been as bad as she thought it would be. The two of them hug her close, reminding her they love her and she can tell them anything at all. They let her sleep with them that night, and wake up in the morning with Billie in the bed with them as well. 

  
  


Ted just watches their family sleep for a while, their girls and their husband all looking so calm and peaceful while sleeping. Billie wakes up soon after them, crawling over to give them a hug. 

“Good morning, sweetie pie.” They whisper, to not wake the others. 

“Hi Nonny.” She says back, resting her head on their chest. 

  
  


It’s peaceful for a few minutes, until she starts squirming because she’s seven. 

“You want some breakfast?” Ted asks, carefully getting out of bed without disturbing the other two. 

“Pancakes?” She asks hopefully, and Ted bops her on the nose playfully. 

“We just had pancakes everyday on vacation. No more for a while. How’s bacon, eggs and toast sound?” 

“Fineeeee.” She sighs dramatically, Ted chuckling softly and kissing the top of her head. 

“You wanna help or pick the music?” 

“I’ll pick the music!” She grins. 

  
  


Ted lets her down once they get to the kitchen, handing her their phone after checking the volume wasn’t going to wake the rest of the family. She does end up helping to butter the toast, Bill and Thea emerging just as Ted is putting the turkey bacon on plates. 

“Good morning.” Ted greets them, grinning as Bill walks over for a sleepy kiss. 

“This looks most excellent, babe.” Bill says, resting his head against Ted’s shoulder. 

“Thanks, babe. Go sit, I’ve already put the coffee maker on.” 

“Omg, babe, I totally love you.” Bill says, putting Thea in a seat before slumping into one himself. 

  
  


The girls and Ted giggle, Bill never was a morning person, and he’s never gotten the hang of it despite almost thirty years of living. They place breakfast and a coffee in front of their husband, kissing his cheek as they do. Bill hums in appreciation, tangling their legs together when Ted sits down. The little family eats breakfast together, and Ted can’t think of a time when they were happier than here and now. 

  
  


~~~ 

  
  


Ted is thirty seven when their kids come out to them. 

  
  


Billie is fifteen and has been quieter than usual for the last few months. As parents, Bill and Ted do their best to respect her privacy while also reminding her they love and support her, that she can come to them with anything. Ted’s not totally sure where that line is, not having had the best experience growing up, but Doc says they’re doing the right thing, and they haven’t been wrong before. 

  
  


Bill and Thea are out for the day, Thea wanting to check out the music store for a theremin. Ted is in the garage retuning their guitar after a string snapped when Billie walks in, holding her own guitar. 

“Hey, Non?” She starts hesitantly, and Ted throws her a grin. 

“How’s it hanging, most bodacious child of mine?” They ask, making her smile. 

“I’ve… written something? I wanted to run it by you.” She says, chewing on her lip nervously. 

“Of course, little Bill! I’d love to hear it.” Ted says earnestly, putting their guitar down to finish later. Billie takes a deep breath and settles her fingers over the frets before strumming. 

  
  


_ It’s like drowning, trying to find yourself _

_ When the world tells you things gotta look top shelf _

_ And you know nothing’s wrong with the way you are _

_ But that doesn’t stop the fear filling you like tar _

_ You’ve got your family, your friends, know they’ve got your back _

_ But that doesn’t stop the rest going on the attack _

  
  


It’s beautiful, and heartbreaking. It’s a coming out song and Ted is so, so proud of their kid, but the fact she’s still filled with fear from the world at large  _ hurts. _ Man, they need to write that world uniting song  _ soon. _ Billie looks up at them as she finishes, and Ted claps as they stand. They walk over, smiling softly and tucking her hair behind her ear. 

“It’s amazing, sweetie.” They say softly, leaning down to press a kiss to her forehead. “And you’re right, your family has your back, myself included.” 

  
  


Billie nods, clutching her guitar a little tighter. 

“Can you use they/them pronouns for me?” They ask quietly, their voice catching. 

“Sure thing, kiddo.” Ted says easily, grinning as they meet their eyes. “You let me know if any of the nicknames I use make you uncomfortable. I think they’re mostly gender neutral ones but sometimes things have connotations or old meanings that you just don’t like. I won’t take it personally, I know how it gets.” They shrug slightly, and Billie nods again, tears filling their eyes. 

  
  


“Thanks, Nonny.” They sniffle, and Ted takes the guitar from them to draw them into a tight hug. 

“Nothing to thank me for, but you’re welcome anyway. Welcome to the enby squad, little dude.” They say, smiling as Billie laughs. “You join the highest of ranks such as myself, Janelle Monáe, Death, Jonathan Van Ness, and God.” 

  
  


Billie pulls back to press a kiss to their cheek, cheeks flushed and looking happier than Ted has seen them in months. Ted leads them inside, saying they can pick some take out for dinner tonight, knowing how much stress they must have been under. Billie grins up at them, wrapping them in a tight hug again. 

  
  


They tell Bill and Thea once they get home. Thea asks to hear the song while Bill asks a few more practical questions. Do they want to change their name, who can they use those pronouns around, do they want them to find them an LGBT therapist? Billie’s so happy, and Ted’s heart feels like it might burst. They watch Billie’s pick of a movie, eating their favourite takeout while Bill paints their nails in the colours of the enby flag on their request. 

  
  


They bid their kids goodnight with hugs and kisses to their hair. Ted’s sitting on the side of their bed in their pyjamas, Bill changing behind them, when something in them breaks and a wave of anger floods out. 

“What the  _ fuck?!” _ They snap, running their hands through their hair. “What the fuck?! I don’t- how could-  _ fuck!”  _

“Woah, woah, Ted, hey.” Bill says, walking over and placing his hands on Ted’s shoulders. “What’s going on?” 

“How could he do that?!” Ted seethed, shaking with sudden adrenaline. “How could he do that to me? This was the  _ easiest _ thing in the world to do and he couldn’t even do it! He even went out of his way to make it  _ worse…” _

  
  


Bill frowned for a moment, his face smoothing out as he realised who Ted was talking about. 

“I don’t know, babe. I don’t know why he did anything. I wish there was something I could tell you that would make this better, but I’ve been looking for those words since I was sixteen and I don’t think they exist. You didn’t deserve any of the crap he gave you. He was an asshole, and he got what he deserved. You, though… Ted, you’re the strongest person I know. You lived through hell and then went back there. You had every reason to turn your back on the world and be bitter, but you went and said ‘I will be kind because you were not’. That’s metal as fuck! You have always been and always will be a better person and a better  _ parent _ than he ever was. I think that’s gotta count for something.” 

  
  


Ted’s eyes are wide as they stare at Bill, choking on a sob as they bury themselves in their husband’s shoulder. Bill tucks them both into bed, holding Ted close as they cry themselves to sleep. 

  
  


Ted’s groggy when they wake up, the room much brighter than they’re used to. Bill’s sitting on the bed next to them, back against the headboard, smiling down at them when they stir. 

“Hey, sweetie. How’re you feeling?” He asks, tucking their hair back. Ted leans into the gesture for a moment when their eyes snap open. 

“The kids.”

“I took ‘em to school this morning, they’re okay.” Bill reassures, and they let out a breath. 

  
  


“I’m sorry.” 

“Hey, no reason to be sorry. We’re a team. I’m their  _ dad.  _ I can handle one morning of school drop off. You needed the rest, I get it.” 

“Still-“ 

“Still nothing.” Bill says firmly, leaning over awkwardly to kiss them. “You had a bad night and you’re my spouse, I’m more than happy to look after you when you need it, just like you are me for.” He finishes his sentence with another kiss, and Ted smiles up at him gratefully. 

“Whatcha reading?” They ask, shifting to sit up next to their husband. 

  
  


“I figured I’d finally get around to reading Elton’s autobiography.” He answers as his cheeks turn red, Ted laughing. 

“Dude, that came out, like… before we even got together.” They tease, Bill elbowing them lightly. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Late to the party, sue me.” 

“Nah.” Ted leans their head on his shoulder. “I’ll just get you to read to me.” They say, Bill chuckling softly and obliging. 

  
  


Two months later, Thea walks in the door after school and screams. 

“Woah, you okay?” Ted asks, abandoning their songwriting. 

“I totally asked Mandy out today!” She yells, looking freaked out. Ted winces in sympathy. 

“She said no, huh?” 

“What? No! She totally said yes!” She says, still panicked. Ted frowns slightly, blinking at her. 

“So… what’s the problem?” 

“I don’t know how to take a lady on a date! I’m baby!” 

  
  


Ted smiles and kisses her head. 

“Do you want to talk to Grandma Riley, Aunt Jo or Aunt Liz?” They ask, taking her hands. 

“Can I talk to Aunty Jo and Liz?” 

“Sure thing, baby. C’mon.” Ted leads her into the living room, and Bill is looking up from his phone. 

“They already said they’d come over for dinner. You wanna go get some slushies in the meantime?” He asks, smiling at her. Thea nods, and Bill wraps an arm around her shoulders. 

“Oh, and by the way parental units, I am most totally into girls.” 

  
  


Ted snorts and kisses her head again. 

“I figured that one out on my own, sweetie.” They say, Thea blushing but smiling back. 

“We love you, baby.” Bill says, and Thea nods her head forward to hide behind her hair in a most Ted-like move. 

“Love you guys too.” She mumbles. Billie walks through the door then, looking disheveled. 

“Thea, why the  _ fuck _ were you running so fast?” They huff, throwing a backpack at their sister. “You even forgot your bag!” 

  
  


“Oops.” Thea deadpans, both adults struggling not to laugh. Ted clears their throat, smiling over at their kid. 

“We’re grabbing slushies, you want in?” 

“Will Grandpa Rufus be there?” 

“No idea, you could ask him.” 

“Neato. Lemme change my shirt, I’m gross after running home.” They say, throwing a playful glare Thea’s way, to which she sticks her tongue out. The adults do laugh then, knowing exactly where they learned that behaviour from. 

  
  


~~~ 

  
  


Ted is forty when they tell their kids the truth. 

  
  


They’re in the car with Bill, Deacon, and his girlfriend Nora, having picked up their little brother from the airport. Deacon’s telling a story about something that happened at his office when Bill’s phone rings over the cars Bluetooth. Thea’s contact is flashing on the dash, and Deacon just smiles when Bill glances back in the rear view mirror, so he hits answer. 

  
  


“Hey angel, you’re on speaker with everyone. We’re on our way back.” Bill says. 

“Hey, there’s this… weird guy hanging out front?” Thea says uncomfortably, making Bill and Ted frown at each other. 

“What’s going on?” 

“He says he knows you guys, he knew your names, but he called you both our dads? Wants to talk or something, said his name was Johnathan Logan? Is he related to Uncle Deacon?” Thea explains, and Ted’s blood runs cold. 

  
  


“What the fuck.” Deacon says in the back, echoing Bill and Ted’s thoughts. 

“Thea, lock the doors, do not let him in. Get Billie to call Elisa and tell her what’s going on. Keep us on the line and up to date. Are you guys okay? Did he touch you at all?” 

“I- yeah. We’re fine, just find him a little weird. Bill, hey, Dad says to call GE and tell her about the weird dude. What’s going on?” Thea asks. 

  
  


Bill glances at Ted, who takes a deep breath. 

“It’s- we’ll talk when we get home. I promise.” They answer, Bill reaching over to grip their hand. 

“When did you notice him?” Bill asks. 

“We went to get slushies at the Circle K and when we got back he was here.” 

“Okay, okay. Just- don’t talk to him anymore, and wait for Elisa to get there.” 

“Yeah, sure. Is he dangerous?” 

“He… might be, unsure. It’s been a long time.” 

  
  


Ted turns in their seat to face their little brother, their grip on the armrest so tight their knuckles are white. 

“Deacs, I know we were gonna have you guys but-“ 

“Yeah, no, drop us at Aunt Riley’s. I’m not going near him.” Deacon says firmly, and Ted nods. 

“Jesus, who is this guy?” Thea asks over the phone. Ted just shakes their head, even though she can’t see it. 

“Do you want me to, babe?” Bill asks, and Ted shakes their head again. 

“When we get home.” They say, voice catching. 

“Holy shit.” Thea whispers. 

  
  


Bill does his best to weave through traffic. They were already about halfway home, so it only takes them twenty minutes to reach San Dimas with Bill speeding just a little. They drop Deacon and Nora at Riley’s house, Ted promising to update them both. Elisa had made it to theirs about five minutes after the call, and was in the house with the kids after he had refused to leave. Ted’s stomach is in knots as they get closer to their home. They had thought they could go the rest of their life without seeing him again. 

  
  


Obviously not. 

  
  


“God, this guy’s a fucking creep.” Billie mutters over the phone, and it fills Ted with enough protective anger to be able to get out of the car when Bill pulls up. No one gets to make their kids feel unsafe. 

  
  


“Ah, Theodo-“ 

“Shut it.” 

“I just want to talk-“ 

“I have nothing to say to you.” 

“Can’t you just get past this? It was so long ago.” 

“Oh, fuck off.” 

“You have no right to keep me from my grandchildren, Theodora!” 

  
  


Ted stops, and Bill grabs their arm, trying to tug them inside. The door is only a step away. This dickweed has been hanging over Ted’s head their whole life and now he’s trying to bring their kids into it? Hell. Fucking. No. They turn around, yanking their arm from Bill’s hold. 

  
  


“You don’t  _ have _ grandchildren. You don’t even have  _ children. _ Deacon and I both disowned you long ago. I even got rid of your stupid family name, because there was nothing in me that wanted anything to do with you. I named myself after my mums, all three of them, and my real dad. The one that actually looked after me and loved me and  _ fucking gave a shit.  _ You. Are.  _ Nothing. _ You’re some asshole that beat me up as a  _ child. _ You will  _ never _ meet my kids, because I fucking love them and won’t let some piece of shit child beater cop statistic go near them. Now  _ fuck off.”  _

  
  


Ted turns back around and storms into the house with Bill by their side. They slam and lock the door behind them, then sink to their knees with a gasp. Bill is by their side, holding them tight and grounding them in the moment, even if they can’t hear what he’s saying over the ringing in their ears. They somehow end up on the couch, their face wet, slowly blinking as awareness comes back to them. Bill is still holding them, Thea and Billie standing by with water, tissues, and blankets. 

  
  


“Oh my god.” They rasp, Bill shifting from a hold to a hug now that they were back. 

“Hey, Ted. Where’re we at right now?” He asks quietly. 

“Oh my god.” Is all they can say, their hands starting to shake. 

“Yeah, sounds about right.” He says, taking one of their hands. 

“Non?” Billie says hesitantly, Ted looking up at them. “Anything we can do?” 

  
  


Ted beckons them both forward, and they climb onto the couch. Thea is in their lap, one Bill on either side of them, and they take the offered tissues and the water bottle from their daughter, getting reminded of the first time they had comforted her from a nightmare all those fifteen years ago. Once they’re a little more settled, they try to smile at their kids, though they aren’t sure if it comes across. 

“I’m sorry guys, you shouldn’t have to see your parent lose it like that.” They sigh, and Billie rests their head on Ted’s shoulder. 

“We’re just glad you’re okay.” They say, Thea nodding. 

  
  


Bill kisses their shoulder, stroking his thumb over Ted’s hand. 

“Have to say, that was totally badass, babe.” He smirks, causing Ted to laugh despite everything. 

“Dude.” 

“I’m serious!” Bill insists, making Ted laugh more. Thea wraps her arms around their neck, hugging them tight. When she pulls back she holds up her hands and starts signing. 

‘Who is he? What did he do?’ 

  
  


Ted swallowed thickly, trying to find the words. Bill squeezes their hand, and Ted squeezes back. 

“He’s… ugh. He’s my bio dad.” They say, pulling a face in distaste. 

“Woah.” Billie breaths, both kids processing the information. 

‘What did he do?’ Thea repeats in sign, eyes wide. Ted opens their mouth to answer, but the words get caught in their throat. It isn’t something they’ve needed to bring up in a long time, and they aren’t sure how to say the words anymore. 

  
  


Bill kisses their shoulder again, looking up at Ted. 

“Do you want me to, babe?” He asks quietly, and they shake their head. 

“He hurt me and Deacs.” They say in one gush of breath, their hands starting to shake again. “Me for being queer, Deacon for supporting me. Or not knowing where I was when I snuck out. I didn’t know he was hurting my little brother until after it all ended. Aunt Riley and Aunt Elisa took us in, he got arrested for a few years. There’s a restraining order, he’s not even supposed to be in San Dimas, I don’t think. Rufus would help me out sometimes, but he can’t, like, interfere with the timeline. So there wasn’t a whole lot he could do other than patch me up. It was a rough year.” 

  
  


_ “Year?!” _ Billie squeaked, and Ted grimaced. 

“Yeah, I don’t think I was alright again until I reunited with the band.” 

“Reu- reu- what do you mean  _ reunited?”  _ Billie sputters, and Ted groans, letting their head fall back to rest against the couch. 

“I’m out.” They mumble, and Bill leans over to press a kiss to their cheek. 

“They kinda flipped when I saw. They were wearing makeup to hide the bruises and something smudged it. I was a dumb kid and I cornered them a little, which made them lash out and they told me to fuck off. Then we just… didn’t hear or see them again for about three months. It was their birthday, actually, when they came around to my place and actually told us what had been going on. It was a little weird at the time, I’d never seen Ted looking so happy, so healthy, so carefree, not in our whole lives together up until then.” 

  
  


Ted looks over at him, not having heard that last bit before. Bill just shrugs.

“I was sixteen and just got my best friend back, I didn’t even  _ know _ I loved you yet. I wasn’t gonna go around talking about how… good you looked, y’know?” He says, making Ted laugh again. Thea kisses their cheek, Billie following suit. 

“We love you most supremely, parental unit.” They say, and Ted leans over to press a kiss to their head. 

“I love you guys too, both of you. More than  _ anything.” _

  
  


Aunt Elisa knocks on the wall, the family looking up at her. 

“The police have him in the back of a cruiser, but they want some statements.” She says, smiling sadly. “Are you alright, sweetheart?” Nodding, Ted pats Thea’s arm so she’ll get up and let them stand. 

“Yeah, yeah. I think I ended up pretty damn great.” Ted grins, the expression shaky but genuine. 

  
  


They get punched in the shoulder playfully by all three members of their family, and Ted calls them all jerks. 

  
  


Ted thinks it’s finally over. 

  
  


~~~ 

  
  


Ted is forty six when The Song is finally written. 

  
  


They’re three days back from performing at Deacon and Nora’s wedding, two months since Doc retired, and about ten months after they lost Rufus. Bill is humming out a melody he’s trying out, absently tapping a beat with his pencil, while Ted sits on the couch. The kids (technically adults now, they’re twenty four and that makes Ted feel so  _ old) _ are out grabbing lunch so it’s just the two of them together. They don’t notice that Bill has stopped humming until there’s a nudge to their knee. 

“You alright, baby? You’re looking a little lost.” Bill asks, a gentle smile on his face. 

  
  


Ted sighs, putting their guitar down and facing their husband. 

“I dunno, dude. It’s just… we’ve been doing this for such a long time. I know we’re meant to have a destiny and everything, but I’m just… I’m tired, Bill.” They reach out for Bill’s hands as their husband nods, sitting next to them. 

“Thirty one years is a long time to be doing something, my most excellent spouse. And it’s been a rough year. This is quite the conundrum.” He says, releasing Ted’s hand so he can twist onto his back and lay his head in Ted’s lap, legs dangling over the arm of the small couch. 

  
  


Ted smiles down at him, running their hand through his curls. 

“It’s not that I want to stop writing. I totally love making music, but there’s so much pressure in trying to write The Song. I know I shouldn’t give up on the future, but… I’m just not feeling it.” They sigh, their hand stilling. Bill hums, holding Ted’s free hand against his chest. 

“Maybe we just take a break?” He suggests, raising an eyebrow. “It’s not just us, it’s the Wyld Stallyns. There’s four other members of the band. We could just... write for fun, for a while.” 

  
  


They think on the idea, their hand moving through Bill’s curls again as they take their time. Ted opens their mouth to speak when a flashy booth lands on the road outside their house, a frazzled looking Kelly stepping out. 

“Woah.” They both say, picking themselves up and heading down the drive. 

“Dude, you okay? What’s up?” Ted asks, wrapping her in a hug. Kelly returns it, sighing into their chest. 

“Oh, my excellent friends, this is a most bogus situation.” She says, pulling away to look at them both. 

  
  


“The council wants to talk to you guys, about the music. I’m not meant to tell you what’s going on, but to be frank, shit’s getting weird. The song needs to be written, and soon. There’s rumours of them trying to fulfil a different version of the prophecy if you guys can’t do it.” She explains, running a hand through her hair. “I don’t know much more than that, they’re keeping me out of the loop because I’m too close to you guys.” The kids pull up behind Kelly on the street, Thea sticking her head out. 

“Hey Aunt Kelly!” She calls, climbing out of the car as Billie puts it in park. 

  
  


“Hey guys, I’m sorry I can’t stay for long. I’ve gotta take your parents into the future.” Kelly says, stepping forward to hug them both. 

“Aw, that’s a bummer. We totally just got lunch. Whatcha gotta take ‘em for?” Billie asks, weight on one foot. 

“It’s about The Song.” Kelly says, both kids lighting up. 

“Oh dude! If you wait just a few, we ran into Aunties Liz and Jo at the Indian place! They said they’d come over once they grabbed their food. They should only be a few minutes behind us, then you can take all of them to talk about the music!” Thea grins, swinging the bag of food around as she gestures. 

“Excellent!” Ted and Bill exclaim, sharing an air guitar. Kelly relaxes a bit, nodding. 

“Yes, yes that’s excellent!” She smiles, relaxing further as Bill squeezes her shoulder. 

“C’mon, duder. You want a drink while we wait?” He offers, leading her up into the house. 

  
  


True to Thea’s word, the girls show up not long later, both ecstatic to see Kelly again. 

“Hey you!” Liz says, leaning down to press a kiss to both Kelly’s and Ted’s cheeks. 

“Thanks for waiting, assholes.” Jo greets playfully, but kissing Kelly’s cheek all the same. 

“Unfortunately babes, we do not have the luxury of a long meal.” Bill informs them, Ted nodding in agreement. 

“The future wants to speak to us about The Song.” They continue, grinning as Liz huffs. 

“Oh, they’re never happy about our progress. First we aren’t learning our instruments fast enough, then we’re too obviously not from the twenty-first century. Now we’re taking too long trying to write a song that’s meant to unite all of humanity? Why don’t they take a crack at it if they think it’s so easy.” She grumbles, angrily biting into a curry puff. 

  
  


“You tell em, girl.” Ted teases, laughing as she nudges them in annoyance. 

“I know you’re upset with the council, but something is happening. The universe is out of balance.” Kelly says, not touching the food in front of her. 

“Oh, great, now the universe is at stake, not just the world. Just what we need, more pressure.” Jo rolls her eyes, sitting between Kelly and Bill. “Shove over, dude. Hey, the Wyld Stallyns have always pulled through. These idiots went through hell, we stopped evil robots from fucking up their lives, we survived shitty families and arranged marriages. I mean, we’ve even survived the council before. Whatever’s going on, we’ll get through it. Now eat up, dude. If I know anything about adventures, it’s that you don’t get much time to eat.” She smiles, wrapping a quick arm around her shoulders. 

“Amen to that.” Ted says, remembering how hungry they had been after coming back from the dead. 

  
  


After a rushed lunch, four of the Wyld Stallyns and Kelly pile into the time machine, hugging the kids goodbye. Ted squints against the brightness of the future, surprised. 

“Woah, what happened to all the purple?” They asked, following Kelly down a walkway. 

“People thought it was outdated.” 

“Bogus.” 

“Most non-non-heinous.” 

“Purple was way cooler.” 

“This just looks like a bad sci-fi movie.” 

  
  


They passed the phone booth as they walked towards the council, and even though it was in a place of honour, it seemed… sad. Sitting there alone, a trophy. Liz links her hand with Ted’s as they approach the council, who then grabs Jo’s hand, who grabs Bill’s. They approach together, a united front. 

“How’s it hanging, future council dudes?” Ted and Bill ask together, all their heads held high. 

“Kelly, you were asked to bring Bill and Ted.” One woman says, looking over at her. 

“I was asked to bring the Wyld Stallyns, mother.” She counters, and Ted starts. 

“Oh woah! Ms Strater! I totally didn’t recognise you, dude! You’re on the council now? Excellent!” They grin, holding up both Jo’s and their hand in an awkward wave. 

  
  


“Yes, I am now The Great Leader.” She answers, Ted nodding. 

“A most bodacious career move.” They reply, Jo huffing next to them. 

“What do you need us for?” She asks shortly. 

“You have yet to write The Song.” Great Leader says, frowning at them. “Do you have anything to say for yourselves?” Pursing their lips, Ted glances at Bill. Maybe their “be excellent/party on” combo? They always seem to like that. 

“Yeah, actually. You try writing a song to unite humanity. We’ve been writing for thirty years, it’s not as easy as just slapping some words on a melody.” Liz snaps at their side, and  _ ah, misunderstood that _ is their most prevalent thought. 

  
  


“Unfortunately, you are running out of time. Reality itself is collapsing, and if The Song is not written within the next ten hours, the universe will cease to exist.” Great Leader informs them, and Ted can feel Jo tensing beside them. 

“And you tell us  _ now?! _ If you knew this was happening why wouldn’t you warn us earlier? We don’t have your tech, we can’t tell when  _ reality is fucking collapsing! _ Ten fucking hours, un-fucking-believable.” She trails off into muttering, and Ted squeezes her hand. 

“Ten hours is very short notice.” Bill deadpans, unimpressed. 

  
  


Great Leader waves her arm, and a wall of instruments pop up behind them, along with a holographic clock counting down. 

“Nevertheless, it is the time you have. We will not interfere with you writing The Song-“ 

“Except that you are.” Liz snaps. 

“But you must write it, or more drastic measures will have to be taken.” 

  
  


The council starts filing into the building behind them, Kelly throwing them an uncomfortable look and mouthing an apology before following. 

“So much for a break, huh?” Ted sighs, dropping the girls hands to face the guitars. 

“A break?” Liz asks, and Ted rubs the back of their neck.

“I dunno. It’s been a long year, and a long thirty years. We were just discussing the idea when Kelly showed up. Wouldn’t have been forever…” they trail off as Jo places a hand on their shoulder. 

“Yeah, I get it. I wish I could give you that break, you absolutely deserve it.” She says, and Ted smiles as they wrap an arm around her shoulders. 

  
  


“So. The Song.” 

“The song… lets get out of here.” 

“Wait, what?” Ted asks, frowning as Jo and Liz start grabbing some of the instruments. 

“We’ll write the song, but we’re not gonna do it here. We’re gonna find the coolest, most inspiring places in history and write there.” Liz grins, a guitar over her shoulder and keyboard under her arm. “You guys coming?” 

“What if we just… went and got the song?” Bill suggests, looking down to where the phone booth was sitting. “From future us’s. We’ll still write it, but we won’t have to scramble as much right now.” 

  
  


“You guys do that, we’ll do ours, and we’ll meet up when we have it sorted.” Jo nods, lugging a bass and sitting drum. 

“Where will we meet?” Ted asks, Liz shrugging. 

“These things normally work out for us.” She reasons, Bill and Ted nodding. 

“Alright, we’ll see you girls later. I’ll just write a quick note to Kelly.” They say, picking up a pen and notebook that had been left for them. They wave goodbye to the girls as they climb into the newer time booth, before climbing into the same old phone booth. 

“Do you think two years is long enough?” Bill asks, picking up the phone. 

“Sounds good to me, Bill.” 

  
  


They land in a dingy bar, both of them wrinkling their nose at the smell of smoke and old beer. 

“Why’d we land here?” Ted asks, frowning at Bill. 

“No idea, my excellent spouse. C’mon, let’s see if we can find ourselves.” He says, linking their hands together as they ventured further into the bar. Pushing open a door, they found themselves finishing a set with  _ Those Who Rock, _ the song they had won the battle of the bands with. Weirdly, it was just the two of them, no girls and no kids around, and the current them’s watch the future them’s walk off stage and stumble over to the bar. 

  
  


Sharing a nervous glance, Ted squeezes Bill’s hand before they approach. 

“Uh, how's it hanging Bill and Ted?” Bill asks, the Scruffy Them’s looking up at them with a groan. 

“Ugh, it’s past us.” Scruffy Ted scoffs, looking back to their drink. 

“Of course these losers gotta show up now.” Scruffy Bill mutters. 

“Woah, no need to be so rude.” Ted frowns, Scruffy Them’s simply rolling their eyes. 

“Whatever, you guys can fuck off now. We don’t have the stupid song.” Scruffy Ted says. 

  
  


Current Ted and Bill blink, and Bill’s grip on their hand tightens protectively. 

“What the hell do you mean by stupid?” He snaps, causing Scruffy Them’s to glare at them both. 

“That stupid song has been nothing but trouble, dude. The girls left to try and write it, and the kids think we’re total bums for not doing it.” Scruffy Ted snaps back, and Ted glares at them. 

“Maybe they think you’re bums because you guys have turned into total drunk losers!” They snap back, and Scruffy Ted stands to get in their face. Both Bill’s grab at their respective Ted’s, pulling them back. 

  
  


“C’mon, these guys aren’t worth it.” Bill says, even though he’s also glaring at the future pair. Ted huffs, but relaxes. They do send the pair one last glare before walking away, shock flooding them when they realise future them isn’t wearing their necklace. Their hand flies up to make sure their own pendant and ring are still around their neck, and Scruffy Ted nearly snarls at the sight. Bill continues pulling them away as Scruffy Ted yells. 

“Yeah, fuck off you losers! We don’t need you dickweeds here!” 

  
  


Ted is still clutching their necklace as they squeeze into the phone booth together, Bill dialing a number and sending them into the circuits of time before wrapping his arms around them. Ted hugs him back, both of them silently comforting each other after that terrible future they’d just seen. Bill stood up on his toes to kiss them, Ted tugging him closer. They don’t pay any mind to their surroundings once the booth lands, just taking comfort in their here and now with each other. Until someone bangs on the door and they jump apart in shock. 

  
  


Ted recovers first, and slides the door open. 

“Hey, Dave. How’s it hanging?” They ask, Dave Grohl frowning at them both. 

“What are you guys doing in my front yard? How did you get this box here?” He asks snippily, Ted throwing a look back at Bill. 

“Oh man, future us’s have totally gone off the rails.” He groans, running a hand through his hair. “I sent us five years into the future. Apparently we broke into Dave’s house.” 

“Bogus.” Ted answers, shaking their head. They turn back to Dave and offer him an apologetic smile. “Our most gracious apologies, Dave. We are trying to find the song and it seems our future selves have done something most egregious. Feel free to do whatever you see fit to the versions of us you find inside your house.” They say. 

  
  


Dave is still scowling at them, arms crossed. 

“And why shouldn’t I call the cops on the ones I see right here?” He asks, making Ted frown. 

“He makes a good point.” They say, turning back to Bill. Bill fiddles with his wedding ring, before his face lights up and he steps forward to pull Ted’s necklace out of his shirt, showing the necklace and ring on his own hand to Dave. 

“Dude, I don’t know what future us’s have been up to, but that’s not us. Not yet, and hopefully not ever if we set things right.” He explains, and Dave’s face softens. The man sighs, before nodding. 

“I didn’t really believe this time travel thing you guys had going, but you do look a lot better off than the last time I saw you. Try not to make their mistakes, guys.” He says, both of them nodding. 

  
  


Ted squeezes his shoulder, smiling gratefully. 

“Thanks, dude.” They say, and Dave nods once. 

“Yeah yeah, get going. Go find that song.” The two of them step back into the booth proper, Bill dialling yet another number. 

“We must have really lost it in this timeline.” Ted sighs, taking their husbands hand. Bill tugs them closer, resting against their chest. 

“Let’s hope ten years is enough time.” He says, Ted kissing the top of his head. 

  
  


Ten years was apparently not enough time. 

  
  


They land inside some tall concrete walls, loud noises coming from a sort of doorway a small distance away. With one last squeeze, they walk towards the noise. Their eyes widen in sync with each other as they see where they landed. Bulked Up And Tatted Bill and Ted are leading some kind of riot in the prison yard they’re in. Bulked Up And Tatted Them’s spot them and roar, pointing them out. 

“There they are!” Bulked Up And Tatted Them’s yell, the group of other prisoners turning to face them with snarls. 

“Nope.” Ted says, grabbing Bill’s arm and running back to the phone booth. 

  
  


They’re grabbed by these totally jacked dudes just before they reach the booth, getting dragged back to Bulked Up And Tatted Them’s. 

“You dickweeds ruined our lives!” Bulked Up And Tatted Ted snarls, Ted jerking against the person holding them. 

“You douchebags ruined your own lives!” Bill yells back, also trying to escape. “You broke into Dave’s house, man! What the fuck?!” 

“Shut it, loser!” Bulked Up And Tatted Bill snaps, growling at them. “You were supposed to come into the house! Instead you just fucked off like a bunch of cowards!” 

“Yeah! The kids don’t even come see us anymore, because you totally fucked us over!” Bulked Up And Tatted Ted snaps, stepping closer to Ted and cracking their knuckles. “But we’re gonna make you pay.” They growl lowly, and Ted swallows thickly. 

  
  


“Hey, I want Ted.” Bulked Up And Tatted Bill says, pushing back on Bulked Up And Tatted Ted’s shoulder. 

“Fuck off, dickweed!” Bulked Up And Tatted Ted snarls, pushing him away with both hands. “Beat your own self up!” 

“You beat him up! I want the wimp!” 

“Fuck you!” 

  
  


Fighting breaks out around them as Bulked Up And Tatted Them’s go for each other. Ted ducks under arms and slips between bodies until they escape the crowd. Bill slips out a moment later, and they join hands to run back to the booth. 

“God, this is fucking bullshit.” Bill huffs, running a hand through his hair. “How did we get so messed up, babe?” He asks, tears in his eyes. Ted leans down and kisses him, cupping his face. 

“I don’t know. But I have one more idea.” They say softly, and Bill nods. 

  
  


Ted picks up the phone and dials a number. 

  
  


The booth lands in a nice grassy courtyard. They walk past a picturesque water feature as they make their way inside the building, hands linked as they read the names on doors searching for themselves. A  _ most _ bodacious song was playing when they entered, but it didn’t take away the shock of seeing themselves so far in the future, old and laying out on beds next to each other. 

  
  


“How’s it hanging, Bill and Ted?” Old Ted smiles, and Ted returns the gesture. 

“How’s it hanging, Bill and Ted?” Bill answers, the two of them seperating to sit at the side of their respective selves. 

“Is this it?” Ted asks, gesturing to the speakers that were playing the music. 

“It is.” Old Bill answers, the two current versions of them meeting each other’s eyes. 

“Woah.” They breathe together, turning back to their Old Selves with grins. The four of them air guitar, and Ted laughs at the sheer fact that they’re still the same even after all this time. 

  
  


Old Bill holds up a USB, and Bill takes it reverently.  _ Preston-Suen _ is written on the side, with the date that it is for them back home. The song, they finally have it, and they write it. They’re going to unite humanity and save the universe. Ted beams at Bill, taking Old Ted’s hand. 

“Thank you.” They say, and Old Ted squeezes their hand. 

“What’s family for?” Old Ted smiles, and Ted almost cries when they see the glint of metal around their old neck. 

  
  


Bill and Ted hug both older versions of themselves, holding hands again as they make their way out. 

“Dude… we totally did it. We got the song!” Ted grins as they enter the courtyard again, picking up their husband to spin him around for a moment. Bill laughs, pulling them down once his feet are on the ground again for a kiss. 

“I know dude! C’mon, let’s go back to today, that’s what this thing says. I bet the girls will be there.” He says, turning around and freezing. “Uh, the booth is gone.” 

“What?  _ Bogus.” _

  
  


There’s a flash of light, and for a moment Ted hopes it’s the booth, but what appears instead is a robot. It holds it arm up at them, some sort of weapon lighting up blue. 

“Kill Bill and Ted, if they don’t write the song.” It says, and they both start rapidly saying no and holding out their arms. 

“Dude, dude, dude, we got the song! We got the song!” Bill says, holding out the USB. The robot sighs and lowers it’s arm, before a guilty expression comes over it. 

“Oh no. Oh dear. Oh what a big mistake.” It says, making them both frown. 

“What mistake?” Ted asks, and the robot grimaces. 

“I… accidentally… shoot children.” 

“You killed Billie and Thea?” Ted snarls, instantly ready to rip the thing apart. 

“Yes… I am so sorry.” 

  
  


Ted and Bill share an angry look, and Bill breaks the USB. 

“Alright, we don’t have the song anymore. Kill us, dude.” 

“What?” The robot whimpers, it’s eyes going wide. 

“Shoot us!” Ted yells, holding their arms out. 

“C’mon, kill us dude!” 

“Kill us!” 

“Shoot us!” 

  
  


There’s a blast of pain, a familiar fall, and they land in hell  _ hard. _ They pull themselves to their feet, only to hear the robot fall just behind them. 

“I’m sorry.” The robot says, but they ignore it for the time being. 

“You alright, Bill?” 

“I’m okay. And you, Ted?” 

“Fine as I can be here.” They answer, managing a weak smile. Bill returns it, and they start down the steps together. 

“Can I come with you?” The robot asks. They turn to stare at it, but the robot seems nervous and… scared. It may have killed their kids, but it’s obviously someone else’s programming. 

“Fine.” Ted says, and the robot smiles as it follows them down the steps. 

“You got pronouns, dude?” Bill asks. 

“Uh, it/he, I think.” It says, both of them nodding and continuing down the steps. 

“I think my name is Dennis.” He continues. 

“Nice.” Ted answers absently, more focused on finding their kids than supporting the dude that killed them. 

  
  


The paths of hell are both familiar and not. They journey through the rocks, mostly just guessing on where to go. Ted is about to panic when they recognise someone. 

“Kelly!” They call out, Kelly looking up and walking over to meet them. 

“Oh, dudes!” Kelly grins, wrapping her arms around them both. “I’m so glad you’re here. Wait, no, I’m furious! You shouldn’t be here! I’m gonna kill my mother, ugh. But I’m kinda glad you’re here, cause you two are way better at getting out of this kinda stuff than I am.” 

“Hi, I’m Dennis Caleb.” Dennis speaks up, and Kelly groans. 

“She named the robot after my ex from college? That was thirty years ago, let it go.” She huffs, turning and leading the way down a path. “The kids are down this way, c’mon.” 

  
  


Bill and Ted (and Dennis) follow Kelly to a ridge, where the kids and a handful of strangers are mining the rocks. 

“Billie! Thea!” The two of them call together in relief, grinning down at them. 

“Rentals!” The kids grin back, taking their arms as they carefully walk down the steep path to their lower level. The family hug each other tightly, the parents pressing loving kisses to the kids heads. Bill has a hand on Thea’s shoulder as they pull back, and Ted a hand on Billie’s.

“Are you guys okay?” Ted asks. 

“Well, we’re in hell.” Thea shrugs. 

“But other than that, we’re fine.” Billie adds, both kids grinning and nodding in a Ted-like manner.

  
  


“So, what’s the plan?” Thea asks, bouncing up on her toes. Ted turns their head up trying to spot a familiar house, grinning when they find it. 

“We go see an old friend.” They answer, sharing a grin with their husband. “These friends of yours?” They ask, gesturing to the handful of people around. With an affirmative answer, Ted gestures for them all to follow, climbing back up to the maze of hell walls. Dennis introduces himself to everyone, adding a new last name. Bill and Ted lead the way through the maze of hell, trekking higher and higher until they reach a plateau. 

  
  


“You guys stay here.” Bill advises, taking Ted’s hand. The two of them walk through the mini playground of a yard, Ted knocking on the door once they reach the house. They grin at their old friend when the door opens, holding their arms out in their classic Bill-and-Ted pose. 

“How’s it hanging, Death?” They greet together, laughing as Death almost knocks them over in a hug. 

“Guys! Oh, I’m sorry I haven’t been around in a while. I’ve been busy, you know, immortal oracle and all.” Death smiles as he pulls back. He gestures them inside, the two of them stepping in and closing the door behind them. “So tell me what I’ve missed! How’s the band going, the kids?” 

“Well, we’re really close to writing the song, but-“ 

“Oh you must let me know when you debut that! It’s going to be most outstanding, I know.” 

“Yeah, thanks, but-“ 

“How are the girls? I heard they’ve been busy with-“ 

  
  


“Death!” Ted interrupts, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Dude, we’re totally in hell.” They say, Death blinking at them for a moment before recognition lights their eyes. 

“Ah, right, yes. I still owe you three favours. Sure, okay-“ 

“Hey.” Bill interrupts this time, tugging Death down to throw an arm around their shoulders. “We’re happy to see you, we’ve missed you, and we most absolutely want to hang out.” He says, grinning up at them. 

“We just also happen to be a little stuck.” Ted laughs, linking their arms together. Death ducks his head bashfully, a smile spreading on his face. 

“C’mon, the kids are outside. Bring your bass! We should jam together.” Bill offers, giving one last squeeze before letting go. 

  
  


“Aw, I have missed you guys!” Death grins, squeezing Ted’s arm before going to grab their instrument. Ted grins at their husband and they air guitar together, both of them happy to see him again. They make their way outside, Billie and Thea waving at them. 

“Hello again kids! Wow, you look much older than the last time I saw you!” Death grins, wrapping them in a hug. Thea laughs, linking her arm with theirs. 

“It has been six years, Uncle Death.” 

“Wait, seriously?” 

“Yup.” Billie agrees, taking their other arm. “But we don’t hold it against you, we know human time is weird for you immortal oracles.” They shrug, grinning up at him. 

  
  


“Alright, get ready for this, guys.” Death says. 

  
  


The group lands in the middle of the highway, but the traffic is stopped, people simply running down the highway trying to avoid the chaos springing up around them. 

“Woah.” Bill and Ted whisper, looking around. Bill checks his watch and winces. 

“We don’t have much time.” He says, and Ted runs a hand through their hair. Dennis steps forward with the broken pieces of the USB. 

“Will this help?” It asks, each of them taking a piece each. 

“I don’t think so, dude.” Ted sighs, looking over at their kids. 

  
  


_ Preston-Suen.  _

  
  


Huh. 

  
  


Ted holds their half of the USB up, Bill following suit and coming to the same conclusion. 

“Rentals?” Billie asks, frowning slightly. 

“It’s not us.” Ted says, eyes wide as they look at their kids. 

“What? Guys, no, we got this band together for you. You have to play!” Thea insists, Bill shaking his head. 

“The band isn’t here for us, dude. We’re here to back you guys.” He says, the kids looking awestruck. 

“Woah.” Thea and Billie say in unison. 

  
  


Liz and Jo land in the phone booth nearby, Bill and Ted running over to check on them while the kids get set up. 

“Sorry for taking your booth, guys. Ours got busted.” Jo grins, waving to the old versions of them still in the booth. 

“But it all seemed to work out, like I said it would.” Liz says, linking her arm through Ted’s. 

“We’ve got some stuff we can use, but it’s not a full song.” 

“We don’t have to have the full thing, we just need to be here to back the girls.” Ted grins, gesturing over to where they were collecting their band on the side of a truck, Death helping them gather instruments with his teleportation abilities. 

  
  


“Excellent.” Jo says, dumping the broken bass she was holding. “But… how does playing the song here fix the rest of the universe?” 

“Hey guys! Stallyns!” A young looking Kid Cudi calls, running over to meet them. Ted vaguely remembers that they had gone missing during 2020, so this makes sense. The man rattles off some science at them that they don’t understand, and when the whole band just stares at him, he changes tactics. 

“It’s a time machine, you can go all throughout history simultaneously and give everyone instruments.” 

“Oh, excellent!” They all declare, sharing high-five’s. Kid Cudi holds up a fist with a grin. 

“Station!” 

“Station!” Bill and Ted grin back, herding the girls back into the booth. 

  
  


The experience of splitting into millions of themselves and reforming as one version again was totally trippy. Way more confusing and disorienting than the time they had died. When they stumble out of the booth again, the girls join the kids on their makeshift stage. Ted wraps an arm around their husband, kissing the top of his head as he returns the embrace. They just watch their family for a few moments, before someone clears their throat behind them. 

“You guys don’t think you’re staying down here, do you?” Kelly asks, smirking at them both as they turn around. In her hands are the very guitars Rufus gave them the night he dropped off the princesses. 

  
  


Ted looks up at her from the guitar, their hands itching to join the rocking music their family are making. 

“Are you sure?” They ask, looking back down at the instrument as she practically shoves it into their hands. 

“Dudes, the  _ Wyld Stallyns _ write The Song. Jimi Hendrix slaps, but there’s a reason the two of you are known in the future as the basis of our society. Get up there and play.” She grins, pushing on their shoulders to spin them both around. Ted grins at their husband, Bill grinning up at them. 

“Bill, my esteemed husband?” 

“Yes Ted, my excellent spouse?” 

“Let’s fucking rock.” 

“Excellent!” 

  
  


They climb up onto the stage, their kids beaming at them as they do. They listen for a moment, waiting for a good time to come in. Thea counts Jo in and Billie gestures for Death to change their chords, and Ted recognises this. It was playing in the room that Old Them’s were living in, right before the guitars came in.  _ The guitars! _ Ted strums a melody, Bill doing the same beside them, riffing off the kids, the girls, each other, and the rest of the band. 

  
  


Everything feels  _ right. _ As they play, the rips in the universe close, a crowd gathering in front of them to sing and play alongside the band. People are hugging and laughing and dancing and smiling and just being  _ good _ to each other. The song draws to a close, the people cheering all around them. The Wyld Stallyns gather in a group hug, laughter and smiles all around before addressing everyone. 

  
  


“Be excellent to each other, and party on dudes!” The six of them call out, before sweeping each other up in a hug again. 

  
  


~~~ 

  
  


Ted is sixty and they are content. 

  
  


There’s a knock on the door, and Ted leaves Bill, Deacon, and Nora in the kitchen to go answer it. 

“Grandy Ted!” AJ grins and runs forward to wrap herself around their waist before they can react. Ted laughs, ruffling her hair. 

“Hello, sweetie. You’ve gotten so big! I love the pink in your hair.” They beam, leaning down to press a kiss to their forehead. 

“Thank you! Ren did it for me!” She proclaims, spinning around to show it off more. 

“Billie always did have most excellent hair skills.” They say, Billie laughing at them as they step inside with Beckett and their spouse Charlie. 

“Hey, Ted.” Charlie smiles, kissing their cheek. 

“Hey kid, do you guys need help with your bags?” 

“Nah, we got ‘em. Thanks, Non. We’ll come back down in a bit.” Billie answers, adjusting the bags on their back. 

“Give a dude a hug first, you brat.” Ted grins, hugging their kid before sending them on their way. 

  
  


AJ had run off to the kitchen and was loudly greeting everyone there, Beckett still at their side. They wrap an arm around their grandkid, mussing his hair. 

“How you doing, kid?” They ask, signing at the same time. 

‘I want to tell you something.’ Beckett signs, his eyes big. 

“Shoot, buddy. What’s up?” 

‘I want to be a girl.’ Beckett signs, and Ted kneels down to pull them into an embrace. 

“That’s totally bodacious, little babe. I’m so proud of you. I just need to know who I can say this around, and if you’re going to change your name. Any ideas?” They ask, cupping her cheek. 

‘I told you first, but I want to tell everyone while we’re here. I’m not sure about my name yet.’ She signs, and Ted’s heart swells. They kiss her forehead, grinning at the little girl. 

“Sounds good, honey. C’mon, let’s go save Uncle Deacon from your chatty little sister, huh?” 

  
  


Beckett laughs as she follows them into the house, finding AJ hanging off Deacon’s arm as they enter the kitchen. Deacon is grinning down at her, swinging her back and forth as she babbles.

“You know, your cousin is hiding upstairs if you want to go get them.” Bill says, winking at AJ who gasps and runs for the stairs. 

“Lantern!” They hear AJ yell, her small feet echoing through the house as Beckett hugs everyone in greeting. Lantern comes downstairs with a giggling AJ in their arms. 

“Hey, can I hook up my nintendo and play some games with the kids?” They ask, Ted nodding easily. 

“Sure, have fun. The rest of the family shouldn’t be too far behind either.” They answer, waving them off. 

“Can we play animal crossing?!” AJ asks. 

“Hm, I dunno. You wanna play animal crossing, Becks?” Lantern asks, AJ cheering as Beckett nods. “Alright then, animal crossing it is. Go wait in the living room, I’ll get my stuff.” 

  
  


The three kids gather in the living room, Billie and Charlie joining the other adults in the kitchen soon after. The rest of the family slowly starts showing up. First the princesses and their wives, followed by Alex, his husband Josef and their three kids, Lucius, Diana and Rosie. Aunt Riley and Elisa aren’t far behind. Ash is only five minutes behind them, bearing lots of gifts from her recent trip across Asia. Thea and her wife Taylor are last to arrive, bearing twin toddlers and an angry looking teenager. Ted is more than happy to take one of their sleeping grandkids while Liz and Abbi help the mothers take Jamie and the bags up to their room. 

  
  


Ted holds out their hand to the teen, Maddison’s head resting on their shoulder. 

“Hey, I’m Ted and I use they/them pronouns. Nice to meet you.” They smile, grinning as the teen actually shakes their hand. 

“Leia. She/her. But not to anyone else.” She mumbles, and Ted tucks that information away, considering Thea had been told her name was Kurt. 

“It’s entirely your decision, but you can tell Thea that too. Anyway, we have a seperate room set up for you, since we didn’t think you’d be comfortable sharing with people who are practically strangers. If you change your mind, I’m sure Lantern would be more than happy to bunk with you.” They say, grabbing one of her bags from the ground. “C’mon, I’ll show you.” 

  
  


Leia looks up at them, up the stairs where Thea had gone, and back to them. 

“Is she really Thea from Wyld Stallyns?” She asks quietly, making Ted grin. 

“Yup, and I’m the same Ted.” They wink, heart melting as the angry look slides off her face. 

“Is, um…” 

“The whole family’s here for Chanukah, including the rest of the band, yes.” They explain, starting upstairs and gesturing for her to follow. “As such, since you just got placed a few days ago, we get if all this is a bit overwhelming and you need to disappear for a while. Hence the separate room. Just take things at your own pace, alright?” Ted smiles at her, and she nods shyly. 

  
  


Thea knocks on the open door frame as Ted is placing Leia’s bag on the bed. 

“Hey Non, could you put Maddison down in our room when you’re done? Taylor’s set up a monitor so we can hang out downstairs.” She asks, and Ted nods easily. 

“Sure thing, sweetie. The kids are playing games and everyone else is in the kitchen.” They smile, leaning down to accept a kiss to the cheek as she walks over. 

“Kurt, what did you-“ 

_ “CouldyoupleasecallmeLeiaactually?” _ The girl asks in one breath, Thea nodding. 

“Sure thing, hon. Leia, what did you feel like doing right now? Did you want to be introduced now, or a bit later when people are a bit more settled?” She asks, and Leia ducks her head shyly. 

“Um… you said there were kids playing games?” 

“Mariokart, I believe.” Ted answers. 

“Is it okay if I do that?” 

“Sure thing, Leia. Is that how you want us to introduce you as?” Thea asks, the girl nodding. 

“Yes please.” 

  
  


Ted has a hand on her shoulder as they lead the way downstairs, showing her to the living room. 

“Hey kiddos, this is Leia. She’s staying with Aunty Thea.” Ted introduces, most of the younger kids saying hi and going back to their game. Lantern, currently not playing, looks up at them and smiles. 

“That a chosen name?” They ask, Leia hesitating for a moment before nodding. “Hell yeah, trans teens club,  _ bay-beee!”  _ Lantern laughs, punching the air and gesturing for Leia to sit next to them. “I’m Lantern, enby, they/them, and Lucius here’s trans, he/him. He’s crushing his kid siblings at the moment so he’s not gonna say much until the end of the round. You ever celebrated Chanukah before?” 

“Not for a while. My family used to, but I haven’t since they passed.” 

“Aw, that sucks. I’m sorry, dude. On the plus side, Grandpa Bill makes the  _ most bodacious _ latke’s, if that's any comfort.” 

“I haven’t had one since I was eight, so fuck- uh- sorry- I’m not used to little kids. Uh, hell yeah it is.” 

  
  


Lantern laughs, gesturing for Leia to sit again, so she does. Ted smiles and lets the kids be, happy to have the house so full of family. Dinner was a loud, chaotic affair, everyone talking and laughing together. The sun is setting just as they finish packing away from dinner, leaving the dishes for now. Bill holds AJ’s hand in the lighter, the two of them lighting the candle together against the darkness, and putting the menorah on the windowsill. Bill kisses her cheek and claps his hands together as he faces the kids. 

“Alright, if we want to play dreidel we gotta clean the dishes.” He declares, grinning at the mixed collection of groans and cheers. 

  
  


Leia pulls Ted aside, arms crossed over her chest. 

“Is it like this every night?” She asks, looking nervous. Ted shakes their head, placing a hand on her shoulder. 

“Nah, we only do the big dinner on the first and last night. We’ll light the candle together and play dreidel, but that’s much calmer. If you need a break tonight, go for it.” They say, smiling as she looks up at them. She does slip away upstairs, and when Lucius notices he asks Bill for their gelt so he and Lantern can go hang out with her with less pressure on her. 

  
  


The rest of the week goes as expected. The kids run around the house sowing chaos, the adults do their best to keep up with them, and Bill and Ted are so enamoured with their niblings and grandkids that they easily cave to most of their whims. The family is out in the backyard one day, music playing over some speakers they’ve brought outside, when a song Ted hasn’t thought about in years comes in. They tug Bill up to dance, the lyrics coming back easily despite the time since their last listen. They laugh together as the song ends, sharing a short kiss that makes the kids laugh. 

  
  


When AJ, Rosie and Diana ask them the next day to sing the song that they danced to, they oblige easily, the other four band members joining in for an old fashioned jam session. They take song requests from the kids until lunch, after which Ash, Lucius, Lantern and Riley all go off together to do something they’re keeping hush about. 

  
  


The seventh day of Chanukah also happens to be their wedding anniversary, Liz, Billie and Deacon practically pushing the two of them out the door so they can have a breakfast date. They go to their favourite diner, indulging in syrupy waffles and turkey bacon that they wouldn’t normally at their age now. They stop at a music store on their way home, finding an old Queen record in near perfect condition. They’re giddy and giggling all day, being sappier and more affectionate than they usually already are. 

  
  


Lantern drags them into the living room before dinner, Ash and Lucius grinning beside the tv. 

“Okay, so, a few of us have been working on this for your anniversary. I actually changed the song last minute after I saw you guys the other day. But, um, we hope you like it.” Lantern smiles nervously, flicking the video over to the tv and playing it. 

  
  


It’s their version of the song they danced to the other night, but instead of them in the garage, it’s a series of home movie clips. The two of them as kids, teenagers, their history report, battle of the bands, their wedding, goofing off with Liz and Jo, rapidly watching Billie and Thea grow up again, different stadium tours through the years, past family Christmases and Chanukahs and Chinese New Years. The song ends with a clip of them dancing the other night, surrounded by their family, laughing and kissing. Ted has tears pouring down their face, and Bill is no better beside them. 

“Aw man, you guys, c’mere.” Ted sniffles, holding their arms out and accepting their niblings and grandkids easily. 

  
  


Ted watches the video again a few days later, after everyone has gone home. The house is quiet again, and right now it’s a relief, but they know soon they’ll be missing the noises of their family. Bill climbs into bed beside them, grinning as he sees what Ted’s watching on the tablet. 

“Aww, look at little Alex! I miss when he was that small.” He sighs, and Ted laughs. 

“You miss when all of them were small.” They counter, Bill grinning. 

“Yeah.” He agrees readily, resting his head on Ted’s shoulder, locking their fingers together. 

“I used to be so pretty.” Ted sighs, only half serious, closing their eyes as they feel Bill tilt his head and press a kiss to their neck. 

  
  


“Baby, you’re still pretty. Absolutely gorgeous.” He murmurs, letting go of their hand to wrap his arm around their waist. “You’re the most bodacious, most excellent, most  _ non _ heinous thing that’s ever been brought into my life. I would be most lost without you, my love.” He laughs a little, but Ted knows he means every word. They set the tablet aside to focus on their husband, cupping his cheek to kiss him fully, the song playing in the background as they make love and fall asleep tangled up in each other. 

  
  


_ Some things just, some things just make sense _

_ And one of those is you and I _

_ Some things just, some things just make sense _

_ And even after all this time _

_ I'm into you _

_ Baby not a day goes by that I'm not into you _

_ I should be over all the butterflies but I'm into you, I'm into you _

_ And even baby our worst nights _

_ I'm into you, I'm into you _

_ Let 'em wonder how we got this far, _

_ 'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all _

_ Yeah after all this time _

_ I'm still into you _

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve grown really attached to this universe, and I’m considering making a series of one shots of “missing scenes”, would anyone be interested in that? Any requests?   
> Anyway, thank you so much for making it through this story. I’m so, so proud of it and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. It would mean more than The Song to me if you would leave a comment with your thoughts!! I’ll honestly be happy with just a keysmash or an “excellent!!”   
> Happy reading everyone!!


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